You absolutely do deserve to be happy! <3 You seem extremely alienated and that is very understandable and a common thing we suffer from under our late-ass stage of capitalism.

I'm also autistic as well so I also know what it's like to struggle with executive dysfunction and autistic inertia. The best thing to do is to focus on improving little things day by day in manageable steps. For example, I use a spreadsheet where I can track down various things about my performance and behavior throughout the day. It's not easy but perhaps you could try similar adapted to your situation? IDK, I'm just throwing out ideas that might help <3

The other thing I suggest is focusing on fighting to remove capitalistic thoughts patterns and judgments from your mind. You are struggling, any decent person would recognize that and all these liberal attitudes that would tell you that you're a horrible person who deserves nothing is just straight but bullying and victim blaming. I know it may seem very frustrating but you have to go easy on yourself. Defiantly work on improving yourself, but don't push too hard or you won't be able to build progress in a sustainable manner.

And lastly, I'm here if you want to talk, feel free to send me a PM <3