Oh boy.
Let's say that I've been rather... unlucky, in the relationships department. Let me crack my aching joints and push my amnesia to the side for a moment, because this is a wild ride and the seatbelts are as defective as my username.
(I'd like to preface this by saying that I used to be a weak, depressed and volatile individual riddled with mental health issues. That person fortunately died several years ago, and in no way represents my current self.)
My second "relationship" was so pathetic that I actively refuse to acknowledge it. As far as I know it wasn't a real relationship, we just had a very weird friendship turned mistake. She was a beautiful redhead, quirky, and quite the geek. We started off as classmates and after my first girlfriend dumped me, she asked me out. I was heartbroken and very lonely so I accepted. I ended up feeling even lonelier, because she wanted someone to pay attention to her and share her interests. However, she was not very interested in sharing my interests, and she wasn't into cuddling or physical contact at all. It's okay, I'm not judging, but perhaps hugging someone who just started bawling his eyes out because his dog died an horrible death can be made an exception.
I remember I once saved up some money to take her on a date to the zoo, spent half a day there; and once we were done she rushed us out and took me to a shopping mall to look at whatever. Then she took me to her house's door, did not let me enter, gave me a quick peck and left me on my own. I went back home (two and a half hour trip), sat in the street, and cried because I felt so goddamn alone.
Another thing that happened was that, after she "set me free" (dumped me because I was a wet muffin of sadness), she kept flirting with me and throwing hints that it wasn't all over. But she also started flirting with other dudes, other girls, and pretty much anything that moved. She was free to do whatever she wanted, of course, but keeping me around was a total dick move coming from someone who didn't have one. She flirted with other exes of hers that were also in our class in front of me, which made us all uncomfortable. And once she called me crying and told me that her bastard old ex-boyfriend (coincidentally, we all became "bastard ex-boyfriends" sooner or later, and I wonder why...) had called her and put on a show and made her feel bad, so she went to his house and did "things" to him; at which point I hung up the phone. She stopped talking to me shortly after.
Lessons learned from this relationship were:
First of all, the best way to get over someone is not to get under someone else. Where I live there's a saying, "a nail drives out another nail". And while I don't doubt that it works for some people, it's not something I'd say society should be recommending in general. It can cause a lot of pain if you haven't mourned your loss yet.
Find someone who's actually interested in you and is willing to put the same effort into the relationship as you do. Surprisingly enough I'm always the one doing the heavy work in a relationship, and for the most part I don't mind. But I refuse to be the one that is always making plans and prompting the other person to do things. If I wanted to hang out with something non-interactive I'd get cardboard cutouts of the Chicago Bulls or the roster of WWE RAW.
Find someone who is looking for the same things you are looking for. This girl wanted a close friend, but not that close. I wanted something else. It didn't work out.
Don't let anyone step over you emotionally. One thing is mourning a loss, another thing is putting up with the shit I did.
No matter how much you may like the person, pay attention to the red flags. This girl had a history of self-destructiveness and didn't seem particularly ashamed of it, for example. There was also the fact that all her exes were horrible bastards, but never lost touch with them. Or the fact that over half her dialogue was quoted straight from different pieces of fiction, whether it was Dr. Who or The Simpsons; to the point where I had an argument with her about it.
You can't force yourself to like someone. Looking back, I didn't even like her that much, it was that I did not want to be alone.
My first relationship was sweet and bubbly, but a stupid mistake made me lose the woman I loved. I felt like shit for months, and after I told the girl in the point above to shove it, I eventually decided to try and get my first love back. Problem is, in the time between me being dumped and the time I decided to man up and face my fears, I had been swallowed by depression once again. Cue "bloody wet muffin of sadness" again.
My real ex-girlfriend, and not the mistake of the part mentioned above, forgave me for what I did in the past. She never gave me another chance, though, and even though she tried to reject me gently I was seeing things where they didn't exist and thought I still had a chance. "If only I keep trying", I told myself. "If only I keep fighting".
I'm glad to say that it ended well and we parted on good terms. And I'm also proud of the fact that it was my first time braving the storm and putting everything on the line. I was rejected but it was beautiful, because even though I cried about it I felt that I had given everything I had and it was a clean, dignified end. I also pulled off the suavest move in my life during that rejection, and I'm still amazed that the mopey mess I used to be managed to do that on-the-fly.
Lessons learned from this relationship were:
No one likes a spineless individual. I was so convinced I was a worthless monster that I was putting her and everyone else off with my attitude. She told me that there's a difference between feeling down sometimes and being downed permanently. With depression it's never that easy, of course, but it doesn't mean she wasn't right.
When you decide to improve youself, do it for your own sake. I thought I needed to be the very best version of myself if I wanted to get back with her, so I started working out. The results were there, but when she rejected me I put the weights into the closet and didn't take them out again in years. Pick another source of motivation, one that won't vanish when your goal is no more.
Man up and face your demons. Bring your brown pants if you must, but do it. You come out of it stronger.
Know when to fold 'em. Sometimes you lose the war, no matter how hard you fight your battles. Don't fall prey to the Gambler's fallacy and give up gracefully.
My third "relationship" is also between quotes. If the second was a relationship in name only, the third one was the complete opposite. We were officially just friends. Friends who went to class together, friends who went on dates together, friends who slept with each other...
She was weird. A mix between a nerd and a rocker, pretty smart and partied hard. We spent a lot of time together because we resembled each other a lot in some issues, while we were complete opposites in others; but it worked out more or less. She had an open relationship going on that was weird as fuck, and at some point she asked me if she could jump my bones for "stress release" purposes. She was pretty non-chalant about it, too.
Back then I was heavily sex-repulsed. But she was also my best friend, and I thought it was worth sacrificing myself for her sake, so even though I didn't really want to I went through with it. She took the opportunity and tried to change me to suit her purposes. I'm ashamed to say that, for a time, she succeeded; though I ended up reverting back. I'm still not sure if what we did was considered "cheating", but for the sake of my conscience I really hope it wasn't. Still felt like the scum of the Earth for a while.
Eventually I realized that the way I felt towards her was not okay with being second best. Unfortunately it was also the zenith of my illness and I became incredibly volatile and unstable, so after a few dismissals coming from her (who wasn't the sanest person either) and another unrelated episode we had a massive fall-off and I became deranged, deploying the heaviest ordnance I had in order to hurt her as much as she had hurt me. Nowadays I regret it inmensely, and genuinely wish I could apologize. Alas I cannot, for she dropped off the face of the Earth.
Lessons learned from this relationship were:
Do not change yourself for others AND Do not let anyone try to change who you are. Specially not towards something you are not, nor you have any desire to be. If you change, let it be on your own terms and towards something you want to be.
Find someone who is looking for the same things you are looking for. Again, for good measure. I just wanted either a friend that'd stay a friend, or a girlfriend. I didn't have any interest in being a third wheel or part of some emotionally and sexually open agreement.
"Don't shit where you eat". Self-explanatory. If things go south, it's not nice to be forced to see your former partner frequently. It can make resentment thrive and flourish.
Have some standards, and enforce them. Being lonely sucks, but staving off loneliness