I went through something similar. It is a rather long and cringy reflection but I never had a chance to put this down anywhere.

Was happy in my idyllic memories in paradisaical Seoul. Moved to Koreatown Los Angeles right before the first grade. Was fine, a bit lonesome, but I managed to make friends in hag-wons and played lots of video games at home. Was all good until I moved again to a predominantly White and Asian suburb right before the sixth grade.

Here I felt the pressure to distance myself from the very negative stereotype of an Asian male. I didn't want to be another "Ooooh, ching chong ling long ting tong!" and "Toodaloo, mothafucka!" I didn't want to be stereotyped as a beta male, a bitch. So I tried my best to adopt American ideals of masculinity and individuality. I listened to hardcore and metal, I skated. I stopped going to church. I stopped being the smart student, stopped being a good a-deul. I distanced myself from anything and everything Korean.

While my immigrant parents were busy busting ass to make sure that I could go to a good school in a safe neighborhood, I was busy getting into dumb fights and fucking up my grades. Against their wishes I dated two White girls, one casually short-term in middle school and one seriously long-term in high school. Second one told me I was Whitewashed and that she was more Asian than I was. Took that as a compliment when I shouldn't have. In the end my parents were right, I would've done much better in high school and in college admissions if I had not spent so much time with that girl.

If you haven't noticed by now, I say all this with great embarrassment. I wish I had better role models growing up. It wasn't fun knowing that the few Asian males in the media were buffoons who made fun of their own race, at the expense of their own race, for their own profit. Wasn't fun to always see Asian girls with White guys, wasn't great to see the countless Asian American girls, Korean American girls, constantly say "I don't date Asian boys" as if to say they, too, were Whitewashed Asians who were honorary Whites. I understand how they feel because, I too, was mentally colonized.

I feel nothing but deep shame, honestly. As of late, I've rediscovered my Korean identity. Been reading up on traditional Korean culture and history, and have been relearning the language. Particularly interested in the periods preceding the Korean War, and on side note, have a nebulous hope that I'll somehow help reunify the Koreas one day. Ironically my bookishness allowed me to go to a decent school wherein I happened to take a class on modern Korean history, and discovered an entire world unknown to me where I was not an unwanted alien, a perpetual foreigner.

As for Hallyu culture, it has its ups and downs. Generally concerned about the consumerist, materialist, hedonistic nature of it. At the same time I hope it allows Korean boys growing up abroad with more positive association with their identity. Sensitive and slim men with guyliner and flashy fashion may not be exactly what some people want or need, but it's hell of a lot better than being called dog eater, stinky kimchi, V-Tech. The list goes on.

And yes, fuck Ken Jeong and Bobby Lee. I take responsibility for my own mistakes in thought and action, but those kind of people make it so easy to internalize the negative stereotypes of Asian, Korean men. Don't ever be like them: stepping on your brothers so you can get some short-lived recognition. I hope they go down in Asian American history for what they truly are: servile, spineless cowards.