I just looked up the definition of agoraphobia and it definitely fits me. My first panic attack was in class as a senior in high school while I was reading out loud to the class. It came out of no where because I had never been that nervous about public speaking. It happened again a few weeks later when I was reading a paper I had written to the class. From then on I started avoiding any type of public speaking.
The symptoms I get from panic attacks are fast, pounding heart rate, shakey breathing, I can't catch my breath, trembling in my hands, feeling like my stomach drops out from under me, flushing in the face, warm all over, and it seems like I get tunnel vision but it's hard to remember exactly because my brain turns off.
If I am out in public I get a bit of an adrenaline buzz. My legs sometimes feel clunky and I'm hyper conscious that I'm walking like a psycho and everyone is watching me. I feel warm and if it's a particularly uncomfortable social situation then my butt gets sweaty and i'll have a butterflies in my stomach.
Half of my senior year and the first semester of college I began avoiding things. If something came up in lecture and the teacher started going around the room asking questions I just got the fuck out of there so fast. The panic attacks started to creep into other social things and I had performance anxiety. For example when I was working in the lab I would be so shakey that I couldn't do any of the stuff when someone was watching me. So I started avoiding that also.
I started taking paxil and all that managed to do was give me super human sexual stamina because I couldn't cum. After my freshman year I moved home and transferred to college in my hometown. I lost my full ride scholarship because I only went to my "safe" classes and dropped the others. At this point I was completely and totally depressed and withdrawing from my friends and hobbies. I would fantasize about death and killing myself because it relaxed me but I was never suicidal. Actually killing myself wasn't even a consideration. That's when I went to several psychiatrists and psychologists. I had a good nurse practitioner for a few months but he moved away. I tried lots of SSRIs with little effect. I started taking seroquel at night and I hated it. I stayed with it for over a year though.
During the 3rd year of college I found an amazing therapist and I did cognitive behavioral therapy. We would set little goals for me and I did see some minor improvement. At that time I was seeing the shitty psychiatrist for med management. He was the one that let me decide what I wanted to try and it wasn't productive in my opinion. I tried wellbutrin, buspar, gabapentin for a short time, probably not long enough to see if it was effective.
At one point I managed to give presentations to 4 or 5 different classes but they were small and I only did it because I was well acquainted with those classmates by that point. I took beta blocker and klonopin for my presentations. If I was in a different social setting and I thought attention was going to be placed on me I still got the fuck out of there. In addition, I was suffering from severe depression.
18 months ago I had surgery for thoracic outlet syndrome. I had been in chronic pain for about a year before we figured out what was causing it. The surgeon took at the first rib on the left side. I have the surgical report if you'd be interested. The right side required surgery too. My surgeon reported that it was severely compressed and I had adhesions in addition to very low collarbones which really squished that nerve and vessels.
At this point I'm the worst I've ever been in my entire life. The surgeries kept me in the house for extended periods of time. I did manage to graduate last semester (finally) with my bachelors degree. Pretty much the only time I leave my house is to go to physical therapy for my back and thoracic outlet problems.
I'm sorry this is so long winded but I wanted to give relevant details. I had tremendous respect for what you do Dr. Steve but now that I know you overcame what you did I think you're a legendary. I'm willing to email or anything.
I'm at such a low point that I'm beginning to despise myself. I'm more than willing to try or do anything if I could find hope that it'd work.
Thanks, BCM