The tale of Boogerballs
Unlikely unlucky loser some would say if you ask about him. Misfit some others would utter. Is it nature or nurture that cursed this poor bloke?
To answer this we have to go back. Way way back.
It might have started with his hermitlike forester father who used a half-century old condom, shooting his load right through the brail rubber that wasn’t meant to last all those years. He left the minute he learned about the pregnancy.
Or perhaps it started with his mother with Spleggs’s syndrome. A condition that occurs for about a third of the Phlekian females, making them shout the weirdest obscenities and thus leaving him with the name Boogerballs, the biggest Phlekian insult possible.
But ask him yourself and he would say he never knew it to be anything else. He will tell you he is just like you and me and luck is only a matter of perspective. Every shadow needs a light first. Every piece of manure can be used as fertilizer. Yes, Boogerballs truly always looks at the bright sight of life.
From the stages of infant to pre-teen, Boogerballs neglected to speak so when he finally opened his mouth a week before his 12th birthday to ask his mother: “Mother, perhaps arbitrary, but next week I’ll be a year older and I’d like to prevent last year’s debacle of not being bestowed upon with a present, therefor”, he didn’t get to end the sentence because his mother dropped dead in shock on the spot. Leaving Boogerballs with only one possible response to the situation: “Quite”.
As nobody knew of the existence of the young bloke all alone in his secluded house in the woods, Boogerballs carried the next years untill early adulthood on as usual. Well, usual for him. Working in his enclosed kitchen garden, reading books and playing games on his decades old Aortae Micro Mod 64.
Until that dreadful day when he met her.
“Have you seen a Blob?” she asks. Startled and confused Boogerballs turns around and sees her. Confused because the kitchen garden is surrounded by walls of 10 feet high concrete and protected with barb wire. Startled because he never had seen a female in real life, much less a female like this specimen. A redhead freckled girl in a flower summer dress which clearly outlined her female form. The six poky nipples pressing against the soft fabric displaying it’s her mating season. Her cute tiny 3 toed bare feet. But especially her matured jaggons that stand erect in her neck.
“Did you lose your Blob?” he replies. “No, just wondering if you have seen one”. And thus they completed the words needed to start the mating ritual as is tradition on Phlek.
As a new traveler uncommon to these regions this might seem strange, but any Phlek inhabitant is aware of how the meeting season works and the words that are needed to initiate it. After the first initiation the courtship has started on which stroking the jaggons is the following step. The female Phlekian can have up to 6 breasts, but a perfect specimen has 3, supported by 2 nipples on each, as Phlekians usually have 3 babies and a Phlekian baby, which is called a hatchling, still has a split tongue. The entire mating season takes up 2-3 weeks, depending on if the mating is actually intended to create offspring, or just for fun. In the case of Bluebell Burgelnob, Boogerballs soon to be spouse, it was clearly for creating offspring as she let him finish the deed of eating her jaggons. Which is tradition. In the following month, which is obviously a violation of the Anshplack regulation, her belly was clearly growing to all sides after hurgling all of Boogerballs' kashalot juice.
Where others just stroll through life, Boogerballs every 2 steps forwards are met with 2 steps backwards. Which is a peculiar way of walking, because the forward steps need to be bigger than the backwards steps or else he would never meet his destination. Of course you catch my drift. In any case, after the mating month, a pregnant Bluebell Burgelnob leaves to her chalet on the other side of Phlek, back to her parents. Sad and in tears, because she found out Boogerballs did not have a job and would not be seen as a man amongst their fellow Phlekians.
Again alone Boogerballs ponders the meaning of life and decides to make a change.
He decides to join the military as any respectable Phlekian male should. He hitches a flight with the nearest recruitership to the nations Space Station and starts his training.
Alas, upon discovery of Boogerballs inability to walk without taking steps back he is send back to Phlek.
And as a last resort, Boogerballs turns to the secluded research centers of Phlek and asks the Korvax for a job. Not understanding the Korvax' language, he just nods in response to what seems to be a question. The korvax grabs what looks like a syringe and injects Boogerballs with a purple fluid. Everything fades to black.
And then, he wakes up, next to a spaceship, unable to see himself but he knows he is not himself anymore. Boogerballs looks around, astonished by this sight and utters the words: "I've got a feeling I'm not on Phlek anymore."