A couple of things. For starters, I think you definitely should stop watching that kind of pornography if it is brining you so much confusion and pain. I also think it might be healthy for you to unlink the association with crossdressing and the pornography you watch. Try wearing feminine clothing for a while and don't masturbate. If you get hard or excited just by wearing the clothes, try your best to ignore it. If you can't quit pornography cold turkey, try watching other kind of pornography that isn't that kind. But again, not while cross dressing, it will help you unlink the two in you brain. It's ok to crossdress, it's ok if it is more than that too. Let me ask you something, why does the thought of being gay bring you so much distress? I don't know you, but from my experience, I don't really think that is what is causing you pain. It the confusion surrounding the pornography. You're not sure if you're actually gay/a crossdresser/trans or if it is just this sick pornography addiction. Pornography addiction, especially hypnosis pornography, can make introspection and self discovery very difficult. I'd ditch the hypno porn asap, and try watching something more vanilla (as in with two consenting adults) and avoid all self harm (ie hypnosis) pornography. Crossdress outside of your pornography consumption for a while and see if that helps stabilize yourself.