No worries. My post is vague since I'm not asking anything in particular other than to open a dialogue. Yes, I suppose I am here for more general intel as you put it :) Perhaps, I'll be able to recognize some of my thoughts and behaviors and learn to think differently about some things I may not even be aware of.
one thing that was challenging for me was that they seemed to think everything I did or did not do was about them, and were simply not able to imagine the other thoughts, feelings and priorities I might have. I believe this is because BPD can affect a person's emotional age, so it can be similar to having a small child who doesn't understand why you have to go to work and can't play with them all day.
I can't speak for everyone with BPD. I'm guilty of this type of thinking though. Typically only in my closest relationships, mainly romantic relationships. BPD doesn't affect my relationships with family and friends anywhere near as much for whatever reason.
In my case, I wouldn't say that it's because I can't understand that people have lives. I'm not that stunted. I'll get on this line of thinking if communication with someone suddenly decreases or drops off from the level it previously was with no explanation. Am I entitled to an explanation? No. I don't feel I am. Logically, I am able to rationalize that it may be nothing to do with me at all. However, I will usually make it about me by assuming that the reason is most likely because I did something or said something at some point to cause them to pull back.
In my case this obviously comes from having to earn love from my caretakers growing up, as it was never given freely. It's practically impossible to believe that someone would actually care about me consistently. I'm always waiting for the inevitable abandonment to come. It's always just a matter of time. Again, I can intellectually understand this stuff about myself, but it's extremely difficult to think rationally all of the time. Therapy is helpful to me in that regard.
I think romantic relationships are the worst for me because of the monogamy aspect. That whole dynamic really messes with my head. I'm extra hyper aware of how a partner communicates with me and am constantly making assumptions about the cause of their behavior. It's a constant battle in my mind between "shit, what did I do? They've figured out how awful I am," and "I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for this." I bet you can guess which side wins 95% of the time. This of course, as you know, leads to seeking reassurance, which pisses people off, and perpetuates the thinking. I don't know that I'll ever get to the point where I could be with someone who didn't understand that it's something they may have to do from time to time to shut me down. I understand how that could be too taxing on someone to have to do. It's not fair, so I'm highly reluctant to even try to be with someone.
She said my idea of friendship was her idea of not even trying.
Ouch.
The tragic irony is that people with BPD would find it very hard to live like that - being accused of things if you ever make a small mistake, having someone constantly accuse you of rejecting them or fantasise that you are abandoning them.
I absolutely would, no doubt.
I hope one day she realises that while her behaviour drove me away, that doesn't mean she is bad or worthless - she needs to learn different behaviours and that's not her fault, but it is her responsibility.
It is, and I hope she does too.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this stuff with me from your point of view. It's helpful.