Sorry the delay, I tried my hardest to answer you sooner.

I've been having a hard time writing it, anxiety strikes me whenever I tried to post it. Sorry if anything were confused, misspelled or something like that, I'm a non fluent english speaker and anxiety makes everything worse. I'm still learning a lot of stuff about life just like you, I hope it can make you feel at least a little better.

firstly, It's not healthy bottle everything up so thank you to trust us, it’s never a problem to vent it really can help, so please do it as much as you feel comfortable. Honestly Insecurities, anxiety, depression I don't know if this things will ever go away, I believe that we all fucked up so many times in life and did bad things to others that we didn't want to, but learn from that experiences can help you get better, not that it’s easy but can help, I know you feel like a horrible burden to all of your friends and you think that they are getting tired of you, but communication, I think, is the key, reach out not just to talk about the bad stuff in your mind, which is important of course, but to tell them you love/miss them and how you appreciate spend time with them, let them know that no matter what, you’re there for them, even if you’re low. It might be hard, but if you don’t show you care for them, if you’re not there for them, how can they know you’re not okay?, how can they know you are not just, idk, tired of them either? maybe they might feel like they’re bothering you? you don’t need to be all over them but just asking simple things it’s a pretty big thing already and shows you care for them.

I get it about your friends not been able to talk freely, but sometimes I tend to overthink things because of anxiety and depression, but we can try to trust more in ourselves and our friends, I don't know what triggers you into act like a bomb, but you can try to be more open about it or if it's a really bad thing you can always tell them that it makes you really uncomfortable, and you would like them to drop that while you're around, it's ok to not like a subject and do not talk about them, it might not help at all but certainly worth a try, it all probably sound cliche but there are things that we can't fight, only hope that everything will workout just fine.

Talking to someone is always helpful, but understand that other have as much limitations as you do is really important. Since your doctor doesn't seem to be helpful, maybe you can try to change the doctor or try someone willing to help you, there’re a few apps that can help you with physiatrist online.

No one expect you to get better in a few minutes or days the process of healing and getting better is long and your thoughts getting darker need to take properly care and isolating yourself will only do you more harm, I’m wishing you the best and if nothing workout you always can text me. We all need to keep pushing those bad feeling away and fight it, I am here if you ever need to talk.

please remember you're not supposed to be at your best all the time neither do your best. The point is you don’t own anything to anyone and nobody owe you anything. You are not a burden nor will ever be that said i believe you can get better.