Unfortunately, will have to wait on the apartment. My eldest brother wants to move toward the end of next month, while I was going to hop on board the moving train at least after this Friday. His reasoning is to save money(which is good) and because he's just not ready yet, while mine is to have a peace of mind, independence, and to remove myself from the current situation happening with live-in-family, especially since it feels rather unwelcoming here, after cousin's recent message to me. As well as feeling down on myself all day.
You know...being NC with the dad had given me some peace, but continually being LC/SC with the mom is straining and depressing me. I started talking to her recently again, especially about my situation, and she seems to agree that whatever is happening was ridiculous and she seemed "okay" but...all of this seems bizarre. My mom won't admit she's just as bad or worse or has done/said similar things.
After awhile, she started talking crazy and down on me. Making up stuff like she usually does. I just mentioned how one old male coworker with hard of hearing, comes close to people to hear them well and how I'm a person who feels uncomfortable just because of my claustrophobia and she spins it around as him being a creepy, dirty, old man. Wtf? Woman, chill out. Plus, I just barely mentioned shooting the bull with some dude I met somewhere, playing pool and talking in his native language (my second) and she starts screeching "You're too young!" and how I shouldn't be out late and blah blah. Funny she says I'm being treated like a child from LNfam, but she doesn't see the irony.
Nowadays whenever she says these dumb things, I call her out rather harshly. I generally say what's on my mind. To be frank, I was actually talking to lil bro on the phone but she keeps interrupting our conversation, so I ignore her and just chat with him or am curt with her. I'm tired of playing games. I'm not going to give pity or become a yesman. The only problem with this is, sometimes I feel like I get unnecessarily mean and harsh. I don't want to stoop as low as she does. I want to go above that. I don't want to sink.
That's just why I can't even talk to her like a normal person. She's always criticizing people and making demands. She demands me to do things her way, even though she miles away from me. It makes me feel sick.
I feel like...the root of my issues had been with her and hasn't been resolved yet. When I NC with Dad, I felt safe and okay. When I tempted to with Mom, it didn't work out because she'd send my brothers at me or spam me with messages saying nasty things. Almost my whole life, the only thing I wanted was to make her happy and proud of me. But that's just never going to work out. And it makes me feel sick and tired. I don't care anymore about those things. I've burnt out.
So...what I need to do for my own mental health, I think, is just go NC with her and possibly the rest of the family. I didn't realize how messed up everything was...or is. Once I get an apartment, and am settled down for a bit, I will NC her indefinitely. Though my eldest brother makes it difficult. He talks to both my parents on the phone asking about them, is affectionate, and saying "I love you", which seems very foreign to me(and even my other brothers). As much as he doesn't want to hear me complain about parents, I don't want to hear him talk about them either. So, I try to shut up even if I feel bad. I don't want to worry him or make him feel the same way I do.
Thanks for reading this incoherent rambling. Might delete or edit out personal stuff later. I just need to let this out now.