My tot will also be 3 in July and I am def mourning the family I had planned in my head.

I can’t look at pregnant people or babies. I can’t go to parties celebrating the first year. I recognize how this must seem odd, given that I have my own and celebrated those milestones. But for now, it feels like the rest of the world is teasing me, saying “I have what you want and what you can’t have” all the time.

I also had a very complicated pregnancy (in all seriousness, I almost died) and it took me a very long time to feel like I was ready to try for a baby. But now I’m feeling like I can handle anything as long as I get a baby at the end. I’m also feeling like I’ll do whatever it takes — change jobs, take out loans, whatever.

All that said, I see now more than ever how much it absolutely makes sense to decide not to do IVF. Or to decide not to try any other treatment. Because this roller coaster is TERRIBLE. if I could step off, I think I would. If I thought I could be happy adjusting the picture of the family I wanted, it would certainly be a more peaceful existence for everyone.