I'm a white woman and was threatened by a black man yesterday. I was just walking my dog and he followed me hurling insults and abuse. He said "I'm gonna shoot your white fuckin' dog, and I'm gonna shoot you too -- fuckin' white-ass bitch". I was the kind of scared that loosens the bowels and closes down peripheral vision.
I can't imagine feeling that fear every time I saw a cop. I can't imagine being hunted because I was curious about the construction of a house. I can't imagine being pulled over and wondering if my family would ever see me again. I just -- I am terrified thinking about being treated like that. My privilege is a force-field around me. If I tried to pay with a counterfeit $20 bill, not only would I probably get away with it because nobody would examine it, but if they did notice it was fake, they'd just apologize profusely and ask if I had another method of payment.
How can I help? Anything I say just sounds ridiculously naive. I can say I'm not racist, but that means jack squat in this environment and there's no way to prove it, anyhow. But also, am I really not racist? I doubt everything right now.
That man yesterday was just another dude walking in the morning. I noticed he was well-dressed and his white shoes were clean, clean, clean. I noticed his backpack was color-coordinated to the rest of his outfit. I was about to wave hello like I do to every other person I see while out on my walk, but before I could do that he started yelling hate at me. At that point, the only skin color I was thinking about was mine. White, white, white. And wrong, wrong, wrong.
I know that man was right to be angry. I do. I don't have a problem with his rage. I probably understand it more now than I did prior to the encounter. I've never been so scared in my life. What if being that scared was every day of life for me. What if my children had not been white. I can't honestly imagine being brave enough to send them to school. Until yesterday, those thoughts had never crossed my mind.
I'm not even sure right now that I should actually hit the "save" button because my experience seems completely insignificant the greater scheme of things