Another update - kinda long: My appointment with the Endo went well, she was very encouraging about my starting with the Encino clinic (the transgender primary care clinic through University of New Mexico). I asked what guidelines the Encino clinic uses and she confirmed that they follow the guidelines from the UCSF Center of Excellence for Transgender Health. That's pretty much what I'd hoped.

The other thing that happened was updating my husband (I'll call him "Bill" here) more about my gender journey. It's something I'd been anxious about since he has a brain injury from a stroke and while his intellect is basically intact his reasoning isn't always sound. I want him to understand, but am not always sure how much he actually does. Out of the blue he'd asked me a few months ago, "Do you consider yourself to be transgender?" At the time I was experiencing a lot of doubt so I gave him the most honest answer I could - "Sometimes."

Bill has been getting his primary care for years from the HIV clinic (Truman Health Svcs) that's affiliated with the Encino clinic and at the same location. He's is a 35+ year HIV survivor and really likes the care he gets there, crediting them for his continued survival. When we were dining out last Friday Bill was talking about his most recent doctor visit and said, "It's too bad you can't get your primary care there" (since I'm HIV negative). I thought, "Here goes!", took a deep breath & responded, "Well, actually, the transgender clinic is there as well and I'm in the process of switching primary care to them."

Kind of to my surprise he responded VERY positively and supportively. Since we were married several years ago, he's had a habit of calling me, "husband". Once I'd updated him that I was going to transition, he immediately started referring to me as, "wife". After we left the restaurant and were driving home, he matter-of-factly said, "I guess we need to get you a new wardrobe, huh?" Of course, I agreed, LOL. I'm not actually presenting female in public yet, and don't want to spend a bunch on money on clothes that probably won't fit after I've been on HRT for a while, but I really appreciate his enthusiasm.

Hopefully, as I move forward, start HRT and begin to noticeably change he'll remain as supportive. On Sunday he very seriously told me, "I'm so proud of you," and more about how brave I must be. I don't feel brave. I feel how Boylan described her decision to transition - that it felt more like an erosion than a decision.

So now, with proper medical care and the likelihood of HRT looming later this month, I find myself feeling sad despite, or perhaps because, I now deeply know that I'm going to transition. Change is coming, y'all, ready or not. In my most down moments thoughts vacillate between, "OMG, what if I'm wrong?" and "Yikes, what does the future hold?"

Nothing to it but to do it. I've spent so much of my life NOT living the life I want & deserve - it's scary to reach out for it, to believe it's going to happen. The stories that everyone shares here and in other trans subs, what I read elsewhere, plus the videos/films I watch about others' experiences of transition are like a lifeline. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and lives here. It means a lot to me.