It can be both.

My ex and I split up 3 years ago and are still married. We’re also still quite entangled and neither of us are entirely sure we want to start the legal divorce process.

(We both have ADHD but struggle in different places. For this type of task he struggles and I don’t)

There was one year in there where he was sure of pursuing the divorce. Because I was not, but also was supportive of his doing what he needed to do and also knew how much he would struggle with it I did the initial research and sent him a timeline and list of what needed to happen. I then told him that from there it was his job to manage it, and set some boundaries around what I was and was not available to do for him. I knew that he would not pull it off, and when I was ready to make it happen I would end up taking it over… but also knew that I wasn’t in that space yet, that I had set him up with a lot of support to get it done, and that my boundary was reasonable.

As I expected, he completely dropped the ball (so thoroughly that there was a period of time where he thought it was me dragging my feet because it wasn’t magically happening around him. Sigh.) 8 months later I took over the process and started to push it through, but things shifted in his life and we both started questioning if it was the right direction.

So in our case which was it? Both.

If I were actively (or possibly passively) obstructing and he actively, unambiguously wanted the divorce I’d expect it would still be in process, cause he is appallingly bad at this specific type of life skill.

And also the fact that three years in we have not filed would definitely be a legit red flag that he is not emotionally available.