Self-sabotage vs. ADHD?

I struggle with this so bad! Even with medication, it's still hard to get over the thought processes that come with a lifetime of unmedicated ADHD, and of course the depression and anxiety that tends to come with it.

I'm about to finish my associates in a couple months, and have also landed an internship at a competitive clinic over the summer. In a million years, I would have never seen myself in this position. Just 3 years ago, I was homeless and in an abusive relationship with a mentally ill alcoholic. I thought I could never do any better then that, and it felt like I was just too broken to be a part of society.

I guess over time I started to get angry. I couldn't figure out what was so wrong with me that I couldn't even do basic tasks (my ADHD is extremely bad). I started pushing myself in little ways, but then I got pregnant and the gravity of my situation hit me. I wanted better for my kid. My parents let me move in with them as long as I stayed in school, so I pushed myself really hard to do well, even though I've never been good at school. I was so stressed out, my BP was bordering hypertension for months, I was sick all the time, didn't feel attached to my baby, and sad, and exhausted. It really sucked.

But if I dropped out I would have to go back to the homeless shelter with my baby. Not an option! Then I finally got diagnosed with ADHD, and it was like day and night. Life has gotten so much easier with medication! But I still struggle a lot.

I pour all my energy into succeeding. I tell myself in my head "You are going to do this no matter what. No matter how shitty you feel, no matter if you feel like a total fuck-up, you are going to keep doing this." It can be stressful thinking this way, and I feel tired and busy all the time. And it really has paid off. It's just forcing yourself to override your doubts and just throw yourself out there.

Sorry for the super long novel, I didn't know how else to articulate everything without a bit of backstory. At the rate I am going, I don't think it's healthy in the long-term (I am in school full-time, working part-time, and raising a child by myself). But once I finish school I can cool down a lot and it will be a lot healthier for me. But it's also important to say that it gets easier the longer you do it. In a weird way, I also feel so much more relaxed and happy. I feel more capable and my self-esteem is better, and I have a great relationship with my child now, where in the past it was an issue.

It's really difficult to deal with the side effects of having ADHD. I hope you find something that will work for you. Good luck!

/r/TwoXADHD Thread