As emotionless the affairs were there were some emotions and justifications I used:

*He won’t take me out, buy me gifts, or treat me to a date

*He won’t have sex with me as often or touch me

*Im not really cheating if there is no penetration

*I get zero compliments from him and I know I’m an attractive woman I want to hear someone compliment me

*I wouldn’t do it if he would just touch me and tell me I’m beautiful

*He would rather pretend to have sex with other woman and masturbate than have sex with me while I’m in the other room

*He wants to see other woman naked and has no problem getting off while has a difficult time staying hard for me

*Theres nothing wrong with me helping someone get off to me because it’s not sex it’s just someone masturbating to me the was BS masturbates to other women

*I don’t want to force sex with BS just to make me happy

It’s all fucked logic but that’s how I felt. When I did talk to BS about the no sex I just got told I don’t know I just have a low libido when he would just masturbate instead of sex. It obviously wasn’t a low libido he just didn’t want to have sex with me. I understand that sex with one person can be boring but that’s what I wanted. Obviously I’m still blaming everyone but me at this point but I know I was wrong.