You have come to a great place for help.
Cancer sucks big time. It is life changing. Period. I refer to the time before I was diagnosed as BC (before cancer). It seems like a whole different life. There is a certain blissful naivety or ignorance that most of us have about how vulnerable we are, how vulnerable our lives are and suddenly, that cancer diagnosis brings us face to face with our own mortality or the potential loss of the ones we love.
Cancer is a life changer. Those are key words.
More key words: Life continues to move forward, but the path has changed.
I'm certain that just as you are floundering to deal with your mother's diagnosis, she is in the same place. She may not know what she wants yet, or what she needs. It takes time to "adjust" to getting that diagnosis. I recently received a new diagnosis that I didn't expect, that hit me out of the blue (for liver disease). I felt like someone had hit me over the head with a baseball bat. I was stunned, didn't imagine this happening to me, clueless about what to do about it. Suddenly, everything in my life was centered around this new diagnosis as well as what the implications are for it. It has been hard to get reliable and accurate information, it seems like I'm always waiting for test results or for the next appointment and rarely does everything just go smoothly. Unfortunately, that's the way I found it with my cancer experience as well.While we all have much in common, everyone's cancer experience is unique. So what I write here may or may not work for you and that's okay, if there is something that does use it. If anything offends you or doesn't work, ignore it (and sorry for the offense, none intended!).
I am so glad that you have reached out to a counselor and are starting to confide in your friends. I'm guessing that others in your family maybe struggling in the same way that you are. It's super hard for most of us to admit vulnerability, or that we are struggling.
Your top most priority needs to be taking care of yourself. Stress does wicked things to our bodies. It's really difficult to help others when we are weak or stressed, or sick from stress. So, first off, take some time to identify some things that work for you to relieve stress. The big three need to be just that, the big three (sleep/nourishment/exercise) and your very top priorities. Next followup with the "you" things. Meditation? Walk in the park? Painting? Dogsledding? Whatever it is that you do, that you love that helps "reset" you.
The next problem for me is when my mind is spinning wildly out of control trying to find it's equilibrium in a world that has just changed for me, is organization. What's important, what isn't and how to best get that done? I recommend following the strategies set out in the book Eat That Frog by Brian Tracy. I pair this up with time blocking and has found it works extremely well for me. I block out "me" time, free time/recreational and de-stress time. I block times for "sunshine", for "music", etc. I have used Brian Tracys techniques since my first cancer diagnosis in 2008. There were days that I wouldn't have accomplished anything without them. There were days that I was so depressed, doing my daily "frogs" is what kept me going.
Something else that I have found super helpful is a daily gratitude journal. I just make 3 entries in it every morning. It means I start the day off looking for the positive. Sounds silly, but I have found it super helpful.
Sometimes I have felt it helpful to ask myself what, in this moment has really changed or is different from yesterday, or last week or last month. I did that with this liver diagnosis and what had changed in my world was nothing other than the knowledge that there is a problem. I am the same exact person. I'm living my life in exactly the same manner. My liver has probably been in bad shape for years, I just didn't know. So now, I know. That's the only difference. I am aware that there is a problem and I've been dealing with problems all of my life. I'll deal with this one too.
Once you have taken care of yourself, you may be able to help your mother! What would it look like, if instead of hiding your emotions from her and being strong, if you were to tell her that you are frightened, but you want her to know how much you love and appreciate her? Sometimes being honest and vulnerable can help.
Next, ASK your mother what you can do for her, what she wants you to do, how you can be the most help for her. She may want you with her however, she may really want you to continue with your schooling. Again, all of our cancer experiences are unique, there are no rules, no play book to go by.
At first, it seems like things are always confusing, it's like dropping a big stone into a still pond of water and it stirs up the bottom so badly that you can't see through it. Life suddenly seems like you can't make heads or tails of it. But as time goes on, all of that silt settles out, leaving the water clear again. With a cancer diagnosis, the same thing happens, as time passes, our life paths, although usually changed, become clear to us again. Sometimes when that water is so clouded around us, we need to just focus on ourselves while we wait for that silt to clear.
Another book that I strongly recommend is called From This Moment On by Arlene Cotter. I have found it to be very empowering.
I hope that there is something here that you find useful. You are so fortunate to have such a close family and your mom is indeed lucky to have such a caring daughter.
Hang in there. Sometimes, we get through life, not one day at a time, but moment by moment.
Best wishes to both you and your mom.