I barely understand my story and wouldn't know where to begin, I struggle to separate the eating disorder from the disordered eating, and then I don't really know where to draw the line between self-harm and the eating disorder because I usually wasn't trying to make myself skinny, I was trying to be sick. I would restrict to hurt myself, the foods I ate were chosen to be as void of nutrition as possible, people would call the things I ate poison so often I thought it was funny to spend a month or so eating/drinking nothing but actual poison, but, that's ... lol..

See, that's what I mean, is that an eating disorder behavior or is that self harm? What about the way I've calculated how many grams of gelatin I've ingested in pill coatings to figure out how much protein I've had because I hated protein so much? Protein gives you muscles, and I had to avoid that at all costs.

My mom had an eating disorder, it was bad and it affected a lot of my early childhood, there was a lot of really weird shit in my childhood and I knew it was weird/bad, and I knew I had to lie about how I ate and a bunch of other stuff in order to protect my mother or make her happy. But that mostly just set up the foundation that would let the disordered behaviors grow into an eating disorder, or I'm not sure what to really describe it as.

I was very evasive with doctors, I felt guilty for being in any kind of pain but especially anything self inflicted. I felt I didn't deserve any sort of treatment or help for something I did to myself, because I did it to myself. My anorexia was something I was doing to myself, so I didn't deserve any sort of help or support with it, or that's how I felt most of my life and all through my childhood.

It all started to get really confusing as an adult and I got stable enough to think about the past and I started seeing all the things my parents did that were actively encouraging me to hurt myself and realized how weird it is that my dad would just watch me torture myself like I was a lab rat, after telling me how to torture myself and suggesting that torturing yourself can somehow make up for doing bad things when he was almost certainly aware of how bad I felt for being involved in some weird and hard to describe sex-thing with a bunch of kids. I never felt like a victim because I was raised to think I was a rapist, I was in my 20s before I got to the mental process of 'a four year old cannot rape anyone'. There was a lot of self-loathing and trying to torture my way into being someone clean. Starving myself was just one way it played out.

But then I also never learned how to eat normally and never had a normal concept of what food should be in my life so even when I made the decision to try and stop restricting, I realized just how messed up everything about food is for me, like every aspect of it is messed up for me. I made it to my thirties eating nothing more complicated than microwaved noodles.

I could probably go on, and I feel like I should probably edit the hell out of this, but I started writing this yesterday and at this point I'm tired.