Hey man, my name is Trish. I like messages more bc the douce bags out there with overzealous opinions always chime in. Anyways, here's my story. I've contemplated and attempted suicide twice in my life ( I'm 24 now), and both of those dark moments in my life would never have even crossed my mind if I had the chance the roll beforehand. I was the picture perfect girl from a perfect family, dating and engaged to a guy for 5 yrs but e breaks it off after 3 yrs into his time at West Point because he said he had no way to trust me from 800 miles away. I was crushed. I grew up with he - and - I becoming my personality and I had nothing of my own. I would have to start everything, school plans, friends, my job, finding out who I really was, if I wasn't considered "his girl" for half of my life. That's the the first low point of my life, this message would be too long if I type both now, but yea. The MDMA.
The happiness you are feeling while rolling are purely natural. It's your brain being tricked into producing a higher level of serotonin, which elevates your mood in identical amounts. With this good mood comes the clarity.
You can suddenly see your life for what it is currently, why it is that way, and what problems you have now that are mere stepping stones to where we are supposed to be in our lives.
With the clarity you get the understanding that we can't control the outcome of life, no one at all can, but we all have to ride the ride for what it is. Regardless of the outcomes, we are better people after all is said and done. We may even go back and forth our whole life having hits and misses, but what no one ever realizes or focuses on is what we have learned om the way. We're stronger, have courage, pride, faith, etc. The walls that seem to keep popping up in front of us aren't there to keep us from our goals. They're there to keep out those that don't want to reach that goal with all their being. Those that can climb the wall can step above the assholes.
Yes, I know this guy that got what you wanted didn't do close to anything to deserve it, but think, is his sole purpose to spite you? Or maybe he's a chance for you to learn from him. The what to Dos and the obviously what not to Dos (be an egotistical jersey for instance).
It's your time to sit back and look at things. Maybe all this being hit with the shit - end of a stick is just the universe trying to push us in the right direction. As young as we are, we feel old. And I get that. I'm 24, in the military living away from home with my new husband that I met in Japan. I only met him bc my ex ended us, I failed a suicide attempt shortly after, and then promptly ran away to the military where I knew I'd never see his face again. The stationed me in japan. I put up with 2 yrs of him denying his feelings for me until he had his own mental break and realized my inportance.
If I didn't go through that shit, 1/2 a world away from home at that, I would have never realized how LITTLE an issue it was. I realized I'm much stronger and loving person that didn't deserve him, but it was my ex that was my stepping stone to my final loving husband at home.
I know relationship have nothing to do with your current situation, but they are both one in the same. Stepping stones and chances for us to continue to learn. About ourselves, the world, any knowledge you may crave.
Noone is ever going to care where to you stared from if you look at the stuff you've told me. You both went to a good college, and you will both have great jobs. His problem is that he's going to hurt and miss use people while he's at it, and you're going to watch him and laugh as you become successful by being the loving, hardworking, dedicated person you were from the get-go. You see my dearest friend, you DID start above him. Eons ago way before you knew which direction you were going, you knew to work hard for what you want, because then you would deserve it when that time came. I couldn't tell you how many people in this world look at the quality and value of a person by judging them on their morals and their actions. Continue to be a success, wow people with your skills and make many more friends along the way to join you in this journey called life. It's about the memories and friendships made whilst getting to where you're going.
When I took molly for the first time, I was amazing. I could see everyone's intentions so much easier, and it helped me see that every bad thing in my life has IN FACT made me the woman I am today. It's helped me to love myself, and be able to see that I deserve what I want, and that I'm 100% capable of getting what I want ( and that, the simple goal is to live a long comfortable life where I can help my friends and family, learn as much as I can about the world, and continue to share that with many many others down the line. For every single person I can help in even the tiniest of ways, I feel like a better person.
So now is your chance to shine. Show them who is the man, and be remembered for all those awesome reasons, not for being the ass hole who stepped on everyone to make it to the top and get famous for something they didn't do out of their own mind.... do you see where I'm getting at?
I am really sorry for rambling, but each time I had sat down and starting writing my goodbye letters, the one thing I wanted in those instances was someone to reach out like I'm doing now. Someone that has been in this kind of mindset, at a total loss of hope...someone that could give me some advice because they know what works. You can let someone's blind luck control your life/death decisions. Save that for when the person in question is actually someone who you would instantly give for life for if they needed you. You're awesome and should continue your hard work doing what you love. You at least owe that to the past 22 years of younger you with eyes bright and anxious for the future. He'd appreciate you the most.