I only started this year, I’m 38. I’ve done it 4-5 times since February. I have tried to do it in the past but I never used anything sharp enough but also I was afraid of pain. I’m no longer afraid of that now and I found something really sharp. I welcome the pain. It feels different, not good or bad, just different.

I do it when I’m overwhelmed and out of control, whether that’s sadness or anger.

Yesterday I did it because I was spiralling and wanted to feel something else except the anxiety and depression. I felt like a failure (I frequently do, yay) and well, doing it was one more reason why I am going nowhere and why I am a failure. However, there’s the soreness on my arm to distract me from that, if that makes sense.

I wish I hadn’t started doing this. I’m in therapy now and I take antidepressants but I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I’m trying to take it one day at a time to stop. I have other medical issues so inevitably multiple people (my medical team) will see these scars and I’m worried about that. So it’s going to be one day at a time.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to write a novel. I never sat down and wrote about it before.