So like, I'm not a genius ape with an internet PHD in finance (although I did get my degrees from a brick and mortar school, which is highly suspicious considering how much I hate B&M video game retailers), but they don't think this is actually Apple, right? Like you'd have to be absolutely insane.

Apple does stuff. Gamestop does not. Their only foray into doing anything has resulted in a massive failure with a huge tailwind in the space likely making any recovery impossible.

They don't do anything except operate failing stripmall video game pawnshops. This is the company you want your life savings tied up in? Because of conspiracy theories about hedge funds that you admittedly know nothing about? It's not that fucking hard.