I'm sorry about your situation, but personally I don't think asking people to help you find a way to die is fair to them. We are all taught to help people in crisis, not hinder their recovery.

I had a 19 yr old student (I'm an EA) tell me on Monday that he wanted to kill himself. This made me extremely sad that he felt things were that bad, and upset every student around him. BUT all those around him, gathered and comforted him. Everyone has a reason to live. Everyone has SOMEONE that will help, even if they don't feel that they do. Lots of people feel alone, that no one understands them, that there is no getting better. But it can, and it does!! It may not be perfect, but it's better than the alternative.

I'm up there in years as well, not a spring chicken by any means. I've suffered loss of my husband when I was young, having 3 young kids to raise then on my own. I'm on meds for PTSD, anxiety, depression. Life does suck...a lot of the time, but we all can make a difference with our experiences.

I use my hard times to help the students I happen to work with understand that they are not alone. That we all can have those feelings at one time or another. That we take those feelings to make us stronger, to help others. That not only you heal by talking about it, but so do others, as they go...wait I've felt that way too. Perhaps you can take the way you're feeling and help others understand that they can get past this. That they can hold on and fight the fight. That what they have to say and what they do matters to them and others!

So I know you didn't come here for a lecture, you came here for help out, as you've tried all your ways back in. I don't know you, but I think it's still worth fighting the fight. You're worth it!! Fight and use that strength to help others that feel the same way you do!!! Take care!!