It looks this will be long. Maybe I should post this somewhere else. English is not my first language, so please, please correct me. If you don't understand something, or have questions please ask.
My longest streak was 257 days long (both nofap and pfree). It was also my first streak. After school I didn't had energy left to fap so that's how my streak started.
In this time I learned a lot about myself. I learned I'm an INTJ and a HSP. This explained a lot to me and I felt (and still feel) a lot better about myself.
I could get stuff done in the summer and it was amazing (coding, khan academy lessons on linear algebra). I never managed to do anything productive before during summer.
But sometimes I also felt nostalgia for my h-mangas, images and h-games I destroyed (I feel it now, too). I had a pretty nice and big collection :(.
I started playing video games (Skyrim, fighting games like Soul Calibur, DoA) in August, and it was really triggering.
One Sunday night I stayed up too late and started rationalizing that I only stopped because I didn't want to get caught and I didn't have free time.
But then I had more time alone and I was thinking up ways to hide my stuff perfectly. I relapsed just thinking about that. So my nofap streak was gone. (I should have used a spreadsheet.)
I felt I lost a big achievement and I felt no reason not to continue tomorrow and watch p, too. (Actually I just watched some drawings with my heart racing wilder than ever.)
I did it for a week and I think I only stopped because my d couldn't handle it (it became a football).
Then I forgot about it for like 40 days and my life went on pfree.
After that I was relapsing every month, every two weeks, every week, every second day, had some binges (I wasn't really tracking these).
I thought that I could do this occasionally, to reward and motivate myself.
I also tried to rebuild my collection a few times (unsuccessfully), then I deleted it, because I could not think about anything else.
If I know I will have some h sometime, I can't get stuff done. And after I watch, I have urges to continue. So I have to stop fully, at least for a time.
It would be great if I wouldn't feel cravings but it seems impossible. I saw h about almost everything possible and my brain can associate anything with an image.
It also doesn't help that my sister is getting into anime and she constantly watches and talks about it and wants me to watch it.
It also looks like my brains doesn't care how it gets dopamine. I can get hooked in video games, series, anything really, very easy. And they often strengthen the urges. So I don't feel like I can do any of these.
What is keeping me from relapse is this challenge, the pfree June challenge and the fact that I have school-leaving exams in ten days and I have learned nothing so far.
Also, I want to be a computer scientist and I must learn hard. I will go to college in September so keeping up my bad habbits seems like an impossible thing to do.
I don't have time to waste, but sometimes I want it really bad...
Thank you for reading this. :)