I thought I could get away with looking at natural beautiful girls on tumblr because that's not a trigger to me really. But I realize it only emphasizes more on who and what I've lost, how I've lost any chance of dating and I realize what I was doing was stupid. It's not a relapse, but it's not really helping me. I can't even look at any girl I'm attracted to, whether online or real life, because then I start to break down and cry. I've become so stupid.

I realize I really can't do anything to stop the agony and torture of what I'm going through now. Biological and psychological tensions at their highest. Being molested as a child and having suicidal thoughts for 5 years (I don't have them anymore though) just doesn't add me up to being good dating material, but at least I'm not broken down anymore by it.

I used to be so vehement with NoFap, thinking it'll damage me psychologically and be bad for me biologically. Stupid fucking genetics giving me the worst sex drive imaginable, it's Viagra in my blood. It's such overkill. I know how to channel that energy though. I just don't have a reason to masturbate anymore, or to see my sexuality as anything except a curse. Too much sadness and cynicism reigns in my sexuality. If you want to be the guy saying "Fuck you deal with it" that's fine because that's how most people were online when I tried to go to a stupid "support community". So in return I say fuck those subreddits, at least I'm glad I have this one left. Once I delete this account within a couple of years, then that'll be fine by me too. How I behaved on this account, with others on reddit with this account, was just atrocious.

I get to skip Wednesday classes next week because I leave home Tuesday night.