Been struggling with nihilism a lot. In a way, it's better than to struggle with porn, because nihilism is actually a significant and far more darker issue. Porn's cure is simple, stay the fuck away from it. Nihilism, well, that's just called fucking endurance, and I hate that cure the most.

I hung out with some friends and saw an extremely sexual animated short and I'm a bit traumatized by it. I don't feel good. I really don't. If I had the opportunity to gouge my eyes out so I'd never see something like that again, I wouldn't mind. I don't want to be reminded I will die alone. I've been working on killing off my sexuality. It's working. I tried to revive it during this winter vacation, and that was my biggest mistake. No one really feels bad that I'm killing off my sexuality, when I hint that to my Christian friends they basically suggest me to get the fuck over it. Maybe I was expecting some pity or something like a cheer-up-you-don't-have-to-brutalize yourself, but if that rare circumstance comes up I realize I try to argue against that anyway. I don't know anymore. I realize I do not have any patience with those who have crippling physical addictions, and don't have too much patience with those who have porn addictions; unless they actually are trying, like they aren't the male fuckers who blame their girlfriend and call her some demoralizing feminist for feeling upset about said male fucker who keeps looking at porn when she doesn't want to. How many men are like that today? When I think about that, I almost laugh despite how angry I am because the universe is pulling its most cruel ironic joke to me. I hate everything.