When it comes to my opinions on small things, my friends usually laugh it off and dismiss what I say. So of course, when it comes to things that actually matter, my opinions, my experiences, my knowledge and the knowledge I have gathered are all worthless. Whether online or real life. It doesn't help that my explanations are obscure and hard to understand in the first place, but at least I think I've improved upon that. Or maybe not.
I've been stupidly happy recently. You could say I've really recovered, because I've forgotten all the guilt, shame associated with my sexuality. No more memories of porn and I'm glad to say I've forgotten all of that. But at the same time, that could leave me in a state of innocence and vulnerability to think porn might be alright to look at. I only know a worthwhile permanent solution to stop it. It doesn't make me happy but the result is worth more than that so I have to go back to it. Just today I was looking at something out of curiosity, and I realized I forgot the misery of porn upon my life. I have to remind myself and remember otherwise it could really lead to a relapse. Not that I relapsed today though.
If I see something sexual I no longer feel the same sense of captivation and desire towards it I used to. I trained myself to be miserable at such a thing, and view it as a reminder of something I will never have, of someone I can never have. If I do anything otherwise, I become pathetic. I forget that my character is not like most men, and it's not something a woman wants. Not that I tell myself this, it's just proven repeatedly from the same assholes who keep telling me to keep trying and things will work out.
What's the bigger lie in my life, pornography or believing a woman will love me someday? Then I remember to snap out of such a question and realize there are bigger things worth worrying about. Nuclear weapons that can activate at any second, how child and teen prostitution is rising and never will be resolved, people dying of thirst and hunger while others are developing eating disorders from too much food, stuff like that. Yeah, I don't think I'll have my questions I want resolved, but if I could only just try to help someone else out instead that would be more worthwhile.