Today was very tough at work. Have sailed through the last six months of boring temp office work without many upsets.
Last couple of weeks I caught feelings for a woman in the office, who has been showing me obvious interest for over a month. Unable to get over my shame issues, I have been rather bashful and halfhearted in my flirting, but this morning I decided I would make the bold move she's clearly been dying for. Before I get my chance, I overhear she had a hot date last night and she's smitten. Oh well - 3 second rule - he who hesitates etc.
I'm carrying a lot of shame, especially around people knowing I like (specific) girls and sex. Some days are okay, and obviously it's easy to be chatty and light with people you don't fancy or are used to dealing with everyday, but other days I don't want to talk to anyone because I am somehow not worthy of their attention. If I have to, I approach tentatively with a weak voice and posture.
But anyway, from about 11am, I was stewing in a horrible funk of wasted opportunity and fuckingdumbdumbdumb, this again. I tried to soothe it with cig breaks, googling, and calling my mother at lunchtime to tell her in vague ways that I felt very sad and ashamed, but I didn't come down until about 11pm and I'm writing this an hour later. The mood was worsened because I think it's obvious to everyone in the office why I was upset, and I'm reading into what people said to me during the day to bolster that perception. I did my best to stifle any emotional expression, as always, but it must have been all over my face.
I think there is a bit of wiring in my brain that says "if people know you have a romantic or sexual interest in someone, they will judge you for it and you will endure embarrassment and physical pain as a result."
There could be another bit that says "if you make mistakes that others make routinely without consequence, you will be punished because of your low status, so make it perfect or don't make it at all."
I was 21 when I read Susan Jeffers. Went through PUA a few years later. Got into meditation, hypnosis, affirmations, sleeping around, cardio, diet, lifting and all sorts at various points over the years, trying to be happy. Neglected career in favour of entertainments and being a self-help nerd. Inability to "let it go" destroyed the one proper love relationship I had, but thankfully we are on good terms and the child isn't screwed up.
The last few years of drama (infidelity/breakup/quit job/psychosis/now what) have reinforced my old avoidant behaviours and the quest for an answer to my shame problem has me stuck in my head all day long, critiquing and adjusting everything I do.
So I decided to get another book on confidence/success/masculinity/mental health/productivity/spirituality. Considered calling a therapist, but that seems like an excuse to cry to in front of someone, which I usually later regret because that kind of faggy wetness is everything I hate about myself (but don't mind in others).
I really want to let it go. I've come to terms with myself and what I want on an intellectual level. It's the lack of emotional control. Hormones?
Early in life I was ridiculed for liking a girl, and for kissing a girl. I was also beaten after finding a porn stash at home.
I have the potential to do very well. However, if I become invested in something, I am somehow no longer worthy of it, because if I like it, it must be good, and good things don't go with bad things like me.