I feel your pain. Things that have helped me so far are being referred to a psychiatrist (my SO was convinced I was bipolar bc of how quickly I go from high to low) who diagnosed me with ADHD and anxiety because of it. I had been to a few before who kept telling me I was depressed and anxious but depression just didn't fit. ANYWAY ADHD meds have helped me not melt into a thousand directions when I am stressed.

Number 2: You, like me, grew up in a house of anger and that is how we learned to cope with things. I feel like a bag of shit when I explode. Sadly it is usually at my SO since I feel most comfortable around him. Naturally, my little brother's relationship with his wife is a lot like mine (he smashes shit and then calms down and wonders wtf his problem is) but for the past few years he has taken the burden away from his relationship by speaking with a counselor and calling a helpline instead of always turning to his wife to vent. I think that might help you too.

Don't forget that behind your anger is most likely (always) sadness. Your frustration and anger is traced back to sadness. You're not a monster.

Rest assured that you are a good person. You know right from wrong and you feel guilt and shame right now. You (and me) need to find a path to get from confusion and anger to a solution without breaking shit and acting like assholes. You're not an asshole, and I hope you want a solution where you stay alive and manage your life and cope better instead of seeing suicide as the only means to an end. I don't know what will help you in particular, but I do know I had an epiphany this year that I am not a shitty person, I am not an asshole, I really have no coping skills. I never learned them like everyone else. But I plan to, and I think I'm way, way better than I was before. My SO doesn't say he's proud of me (which we fought about, naturally :D) he says I'm just acting the way anyone should. So whatever and yea, you're a good cat. Believe me. Just tell your family doctor what's up and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, and if your health insurance covers it-A counselor your doctor or the psychiatrist recommends too. I know better than anyone how humiliated, guilty and ashamed you feel. Now make yourself some tea, listen to some YouTube meditations on anger and forgive yourself.