ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT OF A KERMODE AND MAYO FILM REVIEW BROADCAST: 16/08/2017

KERMODE: So, here we have The Emoji Movie from Dreamworks, directed by Tony Leondis who also directed Lilo and Stitch 2, which I liked; Igor, which I really liked; and Kung Fu Panda: Secrets of the Masters, which was also just a lot of fun. So this film, starring James Corden - MAYO: Is that James Corden of The Late Show with James Corden? KERMODE: [Pause] Yes. MAYO: And of Gavin and Stacey? KERMODE: Yes. [Ignoring Mayo] So obviously, all star cast, big animation, big summer movie, here's a clip. [CLIP PLAYS] MAYO: So... What's all that then? Are they in a phone? KERMODE: Well, yes, and that clip was them beginning to realise, and I don't want to give too much away, that they are indeed in a phone and that they're going to have to make an escape. MAYO: [Not understanding] Oh, right. KERMODE: So here's the thing. I went into this thinking, alright big summer blockbuster, aimed at kids, cynical use of emojis- MAYO: Emojis? KERMODE: [Patiently] Yes, and- MAYO: Is that like totes emoji and dead amaze? KERMODE: [Suppressing suicidal thoughts] Well, I suppose, yes. Bur here's the thing. The jokes are funny, the characters are, despite being emojis, real, and the animation is packed with delicious visual detail. And d'you know what? I laughed. In fact, The Emoji Movie did a surprisingly good job of making the audience, who were mostly Mums and children I'll admit, all laugh multiple times. So it easily passed the six laugh test- MAYO: [Lost] The Emoji Movie? KERMODE: [How have I become this] Yes. And so what you end up with, here, is a very funny, very likable, sort of charming, sort of schmaltzy love letter to the digital age which is my pick for film of the week.

• Peter Bradshaw concurs. and awards the film a 5-star rating in the Guardian
• Later that year, the AFI vote The Emoji Movie number 1 in it's 100 Years... 100 Laughs list
• Rotten Tomatoes, IMDB, and a freshly resurrected Roger Ebert all bestow the film with the honour of 'Best of the Year'
• The National Film Registry deem The Emoji Movie as culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant enough to store in it's underground vault
• In 2018, for the first time in recorded history, every Oscar goes to one film; namely, The Emoji Movie
• James Corden is shunned, scorned, by a public who love only The Emoji Movie and do not wish to be reminded of its unreality
• Dreamworks attempt a sequel of the film, though it's studios are destroyed in a terrorist attack. The perpetrators of the attack are believed to be the Emojians, a militant, fundamentalist group whose aim is to preserve the sanctity of the original film
• Copies of the film are sent on Elon Musk's Mars-X mission. When the ship burns up in outerspace, the astronauts decide to sacrifice themselves and use their remaining safety shuttle to ferry their copy of the film toward Mars
• Later that year, a strange message, believed to be of extraterrestrial origin, is picked up by NASA. The message, in morse code, taps out: SEND MORE COPIES OF THE EMOJI MOVIE
• Empress Clinton of New Clintonia steps aside as president to allow a Blu-Ray copy of the film to lead the free world
• The world falls into disrepair and, soon after, a nuclear fallout ensues. The only places that still stand are fortified cinemas, in which the survivors live, all watching The Emoji Movie endlessly, forever
• Legend has it Simon Mayo lives feral life in an abandoned tower block in what was once known as London. Legend has it he survives solely on his own recycled piss and shit