I can assure you, you are following the incorrect denomination. If you do not choose the correct version of Christianity, it is you who will burn in Hell until the end of time, and serves you right, you heretic. At this juncture you might expect me to tell you which is the right church, but it should be obvious, so I won't; think of it like a fun riddle, where if you get it wrong, you have eternities of pure torture to look forward to. My pal Jesus the Christ and I are waiting with baited breath to see if you screw this up, if you do then he owes me a beer, but then we'll both celebrate as you rightfully fry forever for your sins. And remember, all of this is done out of perfect love: the love of watching you melt to bone over and over again for all eternity. Ain't this interpretation of religion just so full of logic and compassion? It's like a kind of virus mercifully infecting everyone with hope, and joy, and peace, and totalitarianism. Keep spreading the word like a blissful contamination, you're behaving like a great bacterium!