I'm with you here dude. I'm on here cause I'm relapsing back into depression again I think, and my fiance recomended talking to others here on this self loathing page. Hang in there. One thing that is for sure is we have to work on ourselves otherwise our health is at cost. Take baby steps, when you're ready or ready to push yourself. I'm planning on buying a journal to keep more track of goals and keeping myself busy. But yeah otherwise, I got social anxiety disorder. I'm very socially awkward and I have been my whole life. I've always been left out of groups and I just felt like I've been ignored and walked over on so much. Yet I gain confidence in some moments but once I walk into work, I shut down. My coworkers are making fun of me at work (as usual theres always something about me) Ik o dont give off the best vibe but I dont necessarily have my foundation yet and I'm still trying to kick old habits like not speaking up. It's so much more complicated though and it just hurts when you see your coworkers, even managers kinda teasing you. Not even that my previous job I just couldnt connect with people period and I was left with so much awkward silence that I just kept my mouth shut and faced going to work everyday with a racing heart, unmanageable anxiety to the point that I was making up dramatic excuses like my uncle dying to stay home. Sometimes when coverseting what I'm thinking doesnt come out my mouth. I'll say the opposite and it's just a habit so hard to kick. Being quiet is also just too awkward for people so its like damn why I cant people just go in to do their work and that's that. God damn ive never felt this feeling of wanting to get away from this feeling so much that even drinking has been in my mind to get away. I smoke weed all the time and it's not enough. Even worse I hate that I get sucked up into caring that people dont like me and I'm so sad about it that I'm fucking my own life up for it. My thoughts last night were literally "what the fuck is wrong with me" and it a never ending cycle. Self loathing is fucking.criplling. and all at the same time I feel so stuck. I'm glad I guess I kinda still try to see a little positivity but it's still like my optimism is fighting against what I'm feeling.