Hello, u/VoidTheHatter here.
For some background: I'm 26, queer, autistic, and have a handful of mental illnesses I've been diagnosed with and treated for. Got pretty severe social anxiety as well, I can and have had panic attacks over something as simple as needing to get butter at the grocery store. Incredibly narcissistic family had me put on psych meds at age 8-9, pretty sure those are both huge reasons I'm as fucked up as I am now. Immediate family engaged in physical and psychological abuse, still attempts to whenever in contact. Victim of sexual abuse, not by family. Was bullied throughout childhood for various reasons (kids are mean), suicidal ideation and actions started very young.
The last several years have felt like a steady decline in my quality of life, with this last year cranking up the intensity like mad. Between leaving a career destroyed by shitty business practice and getting fired for being stressed due to being incredibly overworked, this year has granted me 3 failed suicide attempts already. Things have only gotten worse since getting fired, what with no jobs calling me back and money getting tighter by the day. There's a lot more baggage I could unpack there, but I won't because it hurts and I'm already babbling.
The only contact I really have is my spouse, as friends stopped trying to talk to me over a year and a half ago. Despite my best efforts, I'm always ghosted or flaked on last minute. Nobody has reached out to me to even say hi since spring 2017 at least. Since losing my job, my spouse honestly the only person I speak to most days, but I've even stopped talking with them most of the time I want to. They are constantly asking me to change the subject or "talk about something happy" and telling me I'm a huge downer, something that was said by other people not long before the relationship ended. "You're always so negative, it just brings everyone down." So now I guess my marriage, all that I have left, is starting to deteriorate too. We used to communicate very openly, even when it was negative. Now I'll just return to suffering in silence, my parents' voices echoing "give it a rest, nobody cares" every time I think of opening my mouth.
I'm at the point where I don't necessarily want to take my own life, but I am so goddamned ready to die. I have no friends, my family has never shown or treated me with compassion or love, I can't get a job after failing my career plan and my bills are only getting bigger, and I'm pushing the last person who sees anything in me away just like everyone else. It's exhausting to have to pretend I'm okay all the time for only one person, especially the one who agreed to be with me for poorer and in sickness, both issues which are compounding each other right now. They could be so much happier without me dragging them down, and dying would be cheaper and easier than divorce.
I'd rather be dead than as lonely as I've been this last year. It seems obvious that nobody wants me around and I'm a waste of space and air. Why else would the universe be giving me all these signs?