That’s a pretty good analogy.

I’ll often say to people the damage caused was permanent, and/or that I died at the point of everything really, seriously, breaking in my head. Something close to this that I use to explain how I feel is when people try and get me to think about goals/ambitions/future plans from before the date of my breakage.

And I say: there’s no point in asking me that, it’s cruel, it’s like asking someone who’s become wheelchair-bound which marathon they wanted to run the most when they still could and pretending they still might be able to one day and that’s what you’re going to build them towards. It’s a cruel, pointless question. And it gets met with pictures of the superhero disabled and shaming why can’t you be like them?

It sounds like what you’re dealing with here is feelings of betrayal. I don’t think lashing at your own back to force yourself to get over it is the way. You got severely hurt, life changing injuries, grieving all your loss of self isn’t going to be quick or linear. And you are entitled to feel all the things that come from betrayal. In the past with my mum I definitely offered up too much understanding to her while denying myself (unconsciously) the right to be indignant, hurt, all the rest. I could explain away all the things done to me through the lens of understanding her side of it. I had a bit of an awakening after the last serious fight where I realised that the circumstances of that fight matched the problems of my childhood and there was no wonder I’m a mess and I stood no chance. I don’t think the grieving process started again but fuck if it didn’t flip the egg timer back over again. It’s done something to the sand this time too…