I get the feeling what you are feeling is based off your anxiety on becoming a “P”. I feel you dude.
I posted this in regards to POCD based off a YouTube video. Hopefully you’ll relate in some way:
“I’m just glad I’m not alone with these shitty thoughts. I made a bold move and ended up going to a counselor/social worker and telling her about my horrible thoughts in regards to POCD (I didn’t go to 1 but 2 for validation). I told them about my groinal responses and things like feeling aroused on inappropriate things in the past (2-4 years ago-ish) and then jerked off to the THOUGHTS (no I did not watch CP Bc I know that it’s illegal. I would never go in that level. Ever.). I watch lesbian porn and straight porn. I didn’t really think much about it at the time, since I know for a fact that I’m into older women and women my age (currently 20). I don’t exactly remember when the thoughts started to manifest, but all I know is that I found myself avoiding people younger than me more often now and would not interact with them.
Having the thoughts itself scared the crap out of me because by no means I am into girls younger than me.
I’ve felt guilt, shame, and at one point suicidal because of these horrible thoughts. I’ve considered myself a burden to others because of these intrusive thoughts.
I stay away from kids, avoid them at all costs and at one point becoming mean to them. I don’t want any part of it at all.
I was afraid at one point people might see me as a monster or one of those “guys”. I don’t even like saying the word “pedo” because people like that scare me so much.
For my counselors telling me that I’m not a monster, I’ve felt so relieved. They said that they are just thoughts. We all have weird thoughts at one point. Sometimes our hormones get in the way. We’ve all done weird things in the past. We are human beings. For us to be aware about the issue tells us that we have a conscience. We did not know any better back in the days. (I guess it’s human nature to make mistakes).
My counselors even said the same things that you said about an actual pedo vs someone with POCD:
A “pedo” LOVES having these thoughts. They would feel no remorse or shame about having them and would go out there and PHYSICALLY HARM a child. (Evil people with no conscience)
A person with POCD is the exact opposite. They would avoid kids at all cost and would not want any interaction with them. They don’t like these thoughts at all and DESPISE pedos. They view it as disgusting and immoral. Although may have been aroused at inappropriate things in the past, they regret it and never ever wish to harm anyone in any way. (People who have a good conscience)
Honestly, I just want to say that I’m glad that I’m not alone with these thoughts, but I am not the same person as I used to be. POCD is a living nightmare and it really does emotionally scar you as an individual
(Sorry about grammatical errors >_<)”