Thank you for your understanding. My best friend kicked my ass when they found out I was using. I literally told them "it was this or i fucking kill myself"; i truly, truly, meant it. This toxic relationship has hurt me so fucking badly. So much abuse I've just coped with. I've pretty much been completely isolated for the past 8 years with my partner. Only when I had a friend stay with me for an extended period of time, my worst case scenario became true. I always kind of suspected I was being gaslit or I was being raped/abused. But I would shove that to the side, excuse it as anxiety, or even coping with past trauma. My friend and I had many many conversations that really confirmed what I suspected to be true myself. I am eternally grateful for their honesty, and them valuing me as a friend and human being. Unfortunately, my friend moved out and it was partially because of my abusive partner. My partner in the weeks leading up to my friends move nearly destroyed our friendship. Thankfully, my friend and I have very open communication and cleared things up. Every fucking day is a battle. I just need a fucking break; and heroin is that sweet sweet comforting place I've been fleeing to.