TL;DR - I started seeing the most wonderful guy and he has the EXACT kinks I do. When I found out, I was thrilled. Now that we're exploring them together I think a little less of him. Maybe a lot less? I think my brain is chasing a mechanical rabbit.
So, I started seeing the most genuine, wonderful, thoughtful man who is considerate of my needs, communicates fully and is seriously just an all-around solid dude. I love him. I know in the pit of my stomach that this feels right and good.
Before we slept together I was nervous about dropping the kink bomb because a lot of mine is power play, consensual struggle sex, being a fuck toy, all of this on me and him so having a switch is a super turn on.
We had sex and it was pretty vanilla. He was freaking amazing but I felt like I fell flat. I think I forgot how to vanilla. I was blowing him and he was really quiet, after like 10 minutes I gave up, defeated. He also has this medical thing where he can't give oral. I put a LOT of emphasis on oral because my first sexual experience was a guy telling me he "didnt do that kind of thing because it's dirty and disgusting". Part of coping with that was a hyper-need to receive oral, like I need to prove that I'm not dirty or disgusting.
Recently we had the kink conversation and he's literally into the same stuff I am. PLUS he wants to take the journey slowly because he hasn't really explored it much and wants to make sure we're both comfortable and happy with where it's going AND he switches (top/bottom) just like me. Needless to say, I was thrilled...at the time.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm pulling away from him. So yeah, the title is wrong. I don't think less of him, I think less of myself.
I've never had a relationship where kink was involved last. It just progressed until it got to a place I wasn't willing to go or felt sexy being there. Once I find that line, I can't stop thinking about being inadequate, not being able to take those final steps. I feel like I'm going to disappoint him and I won't fulfill his sexual needs while mine are overflowing.
In literally every other area, we're a perfect match. We even joke that we're the same person, just with different sex organs. I feel solid on those grounds.
But when it comes to sex, I crumble. He's so good, I feel like I'm just along for the ride and he's servicing me. But goddammit, the kink is about servicing him!
Dammit. This makes no sense.
Help me target WTF is going on in my head. I need an "Aha!" Moment on this one. Example, my friend is always helping people and then getting upset when they walk all over her. Someone slapped her with a truth bomb I couldn't deliver about how she was doing these things without people asking, without their consent and then expecting to be thanked for intruding into their lives. That she was being selfish and should focus her energy on the ones who actually asked. That was her "Aha!" Moment. Now I seriously need one.