This summed up something I struggle with quite often.

That feeling that there is no point, the cycle from enjoying the process, to a deep sense of hopelessness. I'll then use the theory learned from my spirituality practice to defend my actions. What's the point, why struggle for an enjoyable job and put my balls on the line when the present is all there is. I can be happy if I'm present in my room. Do I need to go to the gym and stay fit to be happy? Can't I be happy how I am?

This urge to opt out of the whole thing. Fuck the greed and the lies and the deception that runs rampant.

The thing is, when these times take over, I'm not actually strong in my spirituality. I'm taking things too seriously. Money gets short and the struggle for a job becomes anxiety inducing, my interviews show this. The ego enlarges and people being disrespectful angers me. I silently judge. And wonder why I'm so unhappy, when these thoughts run rampant all day.

There was a time in my life where I was open and unafraid and unaffected by others, everything was a joy and all the interactions were nice. It was great to help others, to work towards goals, and to be unphased by all the corruption. I once got punched in the jaw and smiled, "did you just punch me?"

Looking back, it was the spirituality. I didn't feel I needed anything, but I enjoyed working towards it. At night I could sit and enter deep states meditation easily. Partly because I had no corruption, no negative thoughts towards anyone. The slow process of realising why I judge, how it affects me, and slowly coming out of it towards freedom.. Those aha moments would come often until there was no more, and I'd just calmly enter deep meditation.

And then losing it and struggling since to get it back. The struggle, of course, keeping any sense of peace away because I need something. I want something. And I want it now.

Yeah. Back to the basics.

I was a step away from giving up selling all my shit and moving to train the martial arts for an extended period. I have family and friends I don't want to abandon. And I want to face my fears. Anxiety and negative emotions these days are normal. I'll get through it. I have myself.