Hey I can 100% understand your thoughts and feelings. This is my take on his passing.

From personal experience dealing with mentally ill relatives and friends, the way I manage to cope better with their situation is to detach myself from the why's and the how's of their behaviour. Getting caught up in the fine details of their illnesses made me feel insane and as if I had a responsibility to be upset and sympathise with them, for them.

Like the commenter below, I viewed them as a normal human being like you and me, except they had a disease and their body, their mind is constantly fighting these symptoms of depression and suicide. I tried viewing Jonghyun the same way and it kind of relieved the constant pain I felt for him because fought for himself. He does not deserve sympathy but appraisal. As do you, since you mentioned you are battling suicidal thoughts