The thought "this would be so much easier if I were dead" first came to me in 3rd grade. From 4th to the first half of 12th grade I lived in some degree of numbness and self hate. (My mother and I don't believe in daily personality altering drugs) My sister made it her life's work to make me feel unwanted/unimportant/inferior. When I was born she sat in a corner and cried about not wanting a little sister. She's insisted that she should be an only child ever since. It ran on a spectrum: as big as convincing me that I'm adopted to as small as not being able to walk ahead of her- she would literally put her arm out and move me behind. Not to mention making damn sure I know that I'm the ugly and weird sister. It was a constant, daily thing and I have extremely low self worth and confidence because of it. My dad basically bullied me. I was a fat kid (go figure) and he didn't want that for me, but did NOT go about it in the right way. That and was the type to be overbearing and never impressed. My parents went through a nasty divorce and my mom was sent to jail in the process. She single handedly raised all of us, while my dad-whom I hated- watched from the couch. While she was sent away I had the option to go stay with grandparents , but didn't, so I could support my younger siblings (older sis took up the offer). That was the hardest time of my life, and I spent weeks lying to myself that she would be back soon, just to buy time and not kill myself. I have felt so numb that it legitimately scared me and I had to harm myself to prove that I'm not already dead. My mom gets out of jail, she's done a complete 180, and she's an insane religious fanatic. Since, she's married a man after 3 months of knowing him, had a baby and refused any sort of medical care, and basically stopped supporting my dream of being in college. My dad is my go-to parent now. I've forgiven him for his own ignorance, and I've mostly forgiven my sister, even though I'm still dealing with her effects. My mom however is still current, but I'm coping. There's a lot more that could be blended in there, but I'm hitting the highlights. I've dealt with a lot for someone my age. And my sister was right about my being the weird one- my mind doesn't work like most peoples' that I know. And now I'm happy, and I know that I'm made of tough stuff.