I'm 100% stress baking tonight. It's 10:27 pm and I'm still sitting in an apron, covered in flour and anger and the scent of 10 peeled apples.
Crust: 2.5 cups of flour 1/4 cup of water 2 tablespoons of sugar 1 tsp of salt 3/4 cup of butter
Filling: 8 granny smith apples (these are what I had on hand, you live your life and use whatever the hell you want) 1/2 cup of butter 3 tablespoons of flour 1/2 cup of sugar 1/2 cup of brown sugar Vanilla, Cinnamon, and Nutmeg - all to taste
You've decided to make a pie. Great. Good. Grab a bowl. We're gonna make a motherfuckin crust. Throw in the flour, add your salt, dunk in some fineass sugar. Mix. Cut up the alotted butter. Cubes, slices, whatever the hell you want. Got it? Throw it in your flour mixture. There you go. Now mix with your hands. Yes, your hands. No, it's not gross, it's just butter. Yes, it feels weird - it's fucking butter. Break it up and incorporate it into the flour. Don't stop until the flour looks crumb-like. If you're a fragile ass baby, your hand might cramp up from repeatedly crushing the butter. Man up. Fight through the pain. Good. Got your crumby looking flour? Throw some water in there. Go ahead and use a spoon to mix it, stop complaining about your hands. Fucking pansy. The water will change the mix into a dough. Once you've got a good thing going, take it out, separate into two flat discs (one being slightly bigger than the other, I'm talking 5/8s and 3/8s), wrap in plastic cling, pop into the fridge. For two hours. You can make this a day or two ahead if you'd like. Whatever. It's your life.
Apples. Peel them. I pray you have a peeler. Core them, slice them. Thin. Evenly. This is enjoyable. Pop them into a bowl. Mix together HALF of the ingredients listed for the filling - half of the butter, half of the flour, half of the sugars, and half of the water over the stove. I've found it best to melt the butter first, put in the flour, stir, let thicken, then add in sugars and water. This will create a really gooey sauce. It's gonna smell fantastic. Pour it into the apples, coat evenly.
Has it been at least two hours? Cool. Take out your dough. Let's get the bigger disc going. Roll it out, make sure it's bigger than the greased pie pan you're using. 3/4 inch thick. Lay it in pan. Tuck the sides, fold excess over lip. Get a good crust going. Atta boy. Prick it with a fork. You're asking me, is this necessary? I don't goddamn know but Ina Garten does it. Stop asking questions. Set it aside. Take the other disc. Roll it out to an even thickness. Cut strips to make your lattice. Good.
Put the apple mixture into the pie pan. Try to make it into a bit of a mound in the middle, for the sole reason of aesthetic value. Start latticing over it. If you're doing it right, this will be orgasmically satisfying. If you're doing it wrong, give up. Now make the other half of the filling mixture and pour over lattice. It's going to be thick, just spread it around the top and into the gaps. It'll melt into the pie quite nicely, don't worry about that. You always sweat the small things, man. It'll be fine. Brush the crush lightly with a beaten egg.
Toss that motherfucker into the oven for 35-45 minutes. Depends on how crisp and brown you want your crust to be. Check the apples to make sure they're soft. Let sit before serving. Have some ice cream. You deserve it.