Do you mean, almost in the third person. Like, you saying it to say something nasty. As opposed to an instruction?

If so, I have that. Its something that got a lot worse about a year ago. I beleive mine was from physical and emotional abuse when I was very young. A maladaptive coping mechanism that can form, which is to try and make sense of it by believing that you must deserve it. Bad children are hit. You are being hit. Therefore, you must be bad. So, you hate yourself for it because that's what gets you abused.

No one told me to kill myself but I would look to beat the psychological punch with something strong, like telling myself that sort of thing. I couldn't be hurt more than I already hurt myself then. It also help me dissociate, to get through it all. Now I'm the bully (to me).

Maybe there's something in that area?

I need to be that best friend, older brother or nurturing and soothing parent that I didnt have growing up.

If you knew a friend who went through what you did and you knew all the details, how kind would you be to them? How much help and support would you show them? How understanding would you be? Would you consol them when it got too much for them and help them through it?

Probably a lot and yes. I dont imagine you would tell anyone to kill themselves, let alone that friend.

That really was as much for me as anyone else. Please be kind to yourself.