Its not a pretty story

I come from abuse so I'm one of those broken home to degenerate pipeline kids the media likes to blame. My father was mentally and physically abusive but rather than be quiet and afraid I would taunt and provoke. I was full of anger and malice as a kid. I would break and destroy the house intentionally to piss him off further and 'earn' a beating

He was a big dumb ogre of a man and I liked to get into his head. Example my bed was in the basement and he would scream at me to get out of the kitchen and go downstairs. So I stand out of the kitchen on the first stair and grin at him waiting for his move. This manipulation extended to kids in school and my younger sibling. I would hurt them physically also. Sometimes I wonder who of us was the abuser. I was a problem child and a dangerous bully

In high school the emo phase was happening and I would self harm not because of depression but because I enjoyed the rush of it. I actually confused on the fact that people thought I was suicidal. This is when my first experience of BDSM started... I date a girl who introduced me to the concept of it as a practice and I finally had words and explanations for my feelings. Obwohl That relationship wasn't good and only continued the abuse cycle for me. We played dangerously and I near died. It put me in the ward at 18

I am now 30 and only recently stepped back in the scene (2 years?) after much introspections and therapy. It wasn't the abuse I enjoyed but giving and receiving pain and wrenching control back from figures who tried to break me Harnessing that side of me and learning how to act on that safely has been a much more pleasing experience for me and my subs