It's hard. I've been out to my partner for over a year now and he's been all over the map in terms of the things he says about it. Sometimes he seems really supportive and other times he cracks 'jokes' about how he doesn't want to be with a hairy man or 'jokes' that 'men are disgusting'.
I used to spend a lot of time and energy fretting over what it would mean to his life to suddenly be living as a gay man. I've come to realize that in some ways I'm just using him as an excuse to avoid dealing with my own fears. Focusing on how he will react or the struggles he will face is easier than facing those things for myself. It's also frankly a symptom of the baggage I still carry having been socialized to be accommodating and a doormat, rather than put myself first in any way ever.
It's also a way in which I grapple with the guilt I feel over being trans. I've had to accept that it's not my fault and I'm doing my best. I can't carry guilt about it anymore.
More than anything, though, I fear losing him over this. I fear change and I fear the inevitable discomfort I am going to have to go through when I come out to family and friends. I worry that losing him will be too big a price to pay to live my truth. I worry that people won't accept me and I will be alone in the world.
I have had several heart to hearts with him about it and the bottom line is that he says he loves me, can't imagine life without me and that he's 100% committed to the relationship no matter what I do. He says he supports me doing whatever I need to do to be happy. He has said many things that lead me to believe we will be sexually incompatible once I've fully transitioned (says he has no sexual interest in men, no interest in anal, etc.) but when I corner him about it and ask him how he thinks that will affect our relationship he says he's open to trying.
I think he is just confused, and understandably so. He loves me, loves the life we have together and is committed to staying together and working things out, but he's also having a hard time imagining what it will be like when I fully transition. I can relate to that - I'm sure we all can relate to fear of the unknown. I think the negative things he says and the jokes he cracks are just his crude way of expressing his inner fears. He's very classic dude in his discomfort with talking about feelings.
He said to me the other day, "Do what you need to do. I will support you. We will deal with things as they come up. You always have better instincts than me about this stuff. I trust your judgment and will work with whatever you decide. A lot of this is confusing, but the one thing I do know is that I want to be with you."
It's taken me over a year, but I finally believe him when he says that.
Based on my own experience I would say, be honest with yourself first and foremost. Ask yourself what you are getting out of your approach to things. Sure our feelings are sincere, but what do we get out of focusing on some feelings over others?
For example, I asked myself, "What do I get out of carrying this guilt?" Answer: I get to feel like I'm not a horrible person. I get to feel like I'm doing my best for him. I asked myself, "What do I get out of worrying about his experience of this rather than my own?" Answer: I get to focus on anything other than my own fears. I get to detach myself emotionally from the dread I feel inside. I get to feel like I'm being considerate rather than feeling the guilt I do about dumping this on him.
Also - and this comes a lot harder and don't blame yourself if it takes time - trust the relationship, trust the bond and just do what you need to do. It's possible that things won't work out, but it's also possible they will. As my gender therapist told me once, "Yeah, sure your relationship could end over your decision to transition. But it could just as easily end over your decision not to transition." She is dead right about that.