"Re colors, are use a meditation going down the rainbow colors. I start with red imagine myself surrounded by red, in order to imagine that I use apples like I'm just laying in a big huge vat of apples. And I imagine myself sinking down to orange. Same thing that was oranges, then sink to yellow green blue then lilac. At this point I am pretty calm so I imagine a set of stairs descending into blackness. Slowly go down them and sometimes by the end I can relax enough to fall asleep. Oh, and 100 mgs of diphenhydramine before hand."

you actually need mental help. please tell me where you work so I can get you fired. you aren't mentally well at all. no wonder your mommy killed herself - with a daughter like you I would do the same.