I'm not newlywed, we have been together a long time, and I'm not cut off from anyone. I would say it's always been this way, to a degree. I've been talking to him about it for a long time.
But I've started learning about boundaries lately, instead of just arguing. It used to be that I'd have to freak out, and then he'd stop. But I'm done doing that, and I shouldn't HAVE to do that. I want to ask calmly that someone to stop touching me, and that should be that. Maybe remind them again once or twice. But all the time? If I panic if I'm held against my will because of childhood issues, then stop fucking doing it. How hard is that? The most frustrating part is when he says I shouldn't have a boundary, because that sounds like N behavior to me.
We don't have children yet, and I have started to worry about that behavior around possible children, that's not okay with me, you can't push past a kid's boundaries. That's not something I'm going to be a part of, so this needs to get fixed. I actually think it could get fixed, if he learns some of the things I've learned, he does have empathy.
I guess the kicker is that I'm afraid to draw the line because I have things that I do that he doesn't like either, big things. And if I start to bring up what I don't like about him, he's going to have some real grievances to bring to me about my behavior. Yes, I know that's not healthy, and isn't the right way to handle it. Yes, I know. I'm trying to work this out. I think if I start modeling healthy boundaries, with appropriate consequences, instead of arguing and crying, it will help.
I would love to go to counseling, for this and our other issues, and have wanted to for years now. He refuses, saying he doesn't see how it will help. I thought about pushing it, but I don't know what consequence to bring except to leave him, and although I'm irritated by it, I don't want to end the relationship over it.
Thanks for helping me work through this. As you can probably tell by the above response, I'm still trying to get a handle on this.