Dear Faith,
I've been thinking and I'm now 99.999999% sure you know my account, and if you know this account it's likely you knew ninjanomkey too. I understand this may feel awkward, but please read to the end.
First, I hope you are doing well. I remember you posted about adopting a dog- I hope it is also doing well. Second, I'm sincerely sorry if anything I've ever said/done has hurt or bothered you. Everything that I've ever said I liked about you, I still really do: I think you're really smart/funny/talented/cool and you have seriously super pretty eyes and smile, and I still feel the same way, BUT if you're reading this, then you've likely come to understand the full situation and why it hurts and frustrates me incessantly. I understand you may be angry at me, and I understand that I must have seemed annoying but please please please try to understand:
I suspect you felt the same, given the weird dynamic between us. Many of our interactions seemed psuedo-romantic, but you were never explicitly clear how you felt about me when I told you last September. It sounded like your response meant you felt the same but weren't ready to date, but it was still open to too many interpretations. I wasn't sure if your response was a "polite" way of saying you didn't like me back- it's not uncommon for people (and girls especially) to reject people they don't like in such ways. Polite is in quotes becauss people who do that just want to think they're being polite: being left wondering is the most hurtful outcome.
But I also felt a massive disparity between the way you are with others vs me. It didn't seem like you hated me, but I wasn't a normal friend. I feel like 99% of what you know about me is from a cold bird's eye view, whereas you know about your real friends by interacting with/talking to/being around them.
I mean, you practically never spoke to me, virtually or in person, always trying to avoid talking to me directly- instead getting Collin to do it in a roundabout way, or making some vague post on a secondary IG account The few times you did in retrospect seem to be you mentioning oddly specific and convenient things based on what I'd written here. I felt literally invisible to you because at poomsae you would always greet everyone else but me who walked in. And I felt a barrier talking to you, even before I told you my feelings, exponentially worse after. And you seem so blunt and responsive with everyone else, but you never told me how you felt, and pretended to not see my messages or when you said you weren't going to paint instead of just telling me you didn't want me to join, maybe because it could be interpreted romantically- that's your right but then why would you ask everyone out loud if you knew you never wanted me to paint with you? I know you didn't intend to, but what did I do to you to deserve that kind of disparity? Those are just a few examples I felt and it really confused me. I do have romantic feelings for you, but I was also wanted to be friends with you the way I see you are with others and I tried really hard but I was always doomed to fail.
Sometimes I wonder if you knew we wouldn't meet after covid and planned to ignore me forever to let me quietly fade away. Or if you did like me,because all the signs seem to point to you did but you were sometimes more shy towards me, I still feel taken for granted because I notice those things and they still do hurt me, especially since I can only speculate on reasons.
I know it's my fault for not clarifying sooner, and I understand why you were hesitant to talk last time, if you had seen my posts, but I used 'asking out' as a simplified placeholder for the purposes of a meme which I made to give myself the courage to talk to you about this. It didn't seem relevant to tell you everything and it would also make it seem like I blamed you.
I otherwise really wouldn't mind if you come here, or have been, but given all this context it feels really humiliating. I don't know if you've seen the original Yugioh, but there's a duel where Pegasus uses his egyptian eye to see Yugi's hand...and Yugi gets absolutely decimated and completely shit on until he is able to block Pegasus. That's exactly how I feel right now.
That's why I'm asking you to message me after you read this. I promise I won't ask you out but I need to know how you feel about me. I know you were trying to be nice when you said you understood me, but you said you never had that courage so stop pretending to understand or trying to be nice about it. I've been rejected before and yeah it stung but this is magnitudes worse because I have absolutely no closure on anything at all. QIf do you like me back, even if nothing will ever happen between us, I need to hear that. You must know that unanswered questions close to the heart are really painful and if you are truly aware of this then please, I don't want to be left in the dark feeling hurt and humiliated while you stare omnisciently from above.
I'm not really angry at you, but I would be lying if i said I didn't feel really hurt and betrayed and upset and confused. You may be wondering why I'm writing this here, instead of messaging you directly. Well for one so you'll see it when you're not busy, and two: mo offense but at least imo its really hard to talk to you, but I see how easily others do it and I can live without that pain. I'm sure that whatever context I would meet you I would end up having feelings for you, so I don't regret that. But returning to TKD feels like a massive mistake that only gave me more questions. I've often felt that June 22nd, 2019- the day you organized to setup that farming game- should have been the last we ever crossed paths. But now that I know you're going to read this, I don't feel that way strongly because now that you understand me completely, I want to talk about it.
If you really still don't want to talk after this, I really don't know what to say other than that is your right, but then please just go away. (or this if you prefer, or this. There's nothing left here anyway. I hope you don't choose to not talk, but if so, then this will likely truly be our final interaction.
Lastly I want to apologize if anything I've ever done has bothered or hurt you; especially since now I understand from your perspective if you did like me then it might have really hurt you to think I didn't want to have feelings for you anymore. That would only be the case if they weren't reciprocated
Thank you for reading this. I am going to assume you'll have read this and decided whether you want to talk by the end of the year, though I think that's a little generous. I mean you've already demonstrated that you have no qualms not responding to me because you have nothing eating at you. Well I don't have have that luxury and I haven't for 17 months now, so if you read this I wouldn't at all appreciate you twiddling your thumbs and deciding to respond later, or worse not at all. This has ripped open old wounds that were only just getting better and feels like a ticking time bomb on my mental health. I really tried to be better friends with you, and because I suspected you liked me I wanted to know explicitly how you felt about me- for closure, but also to ask if you wanted me to wait: because when we did interact we had a lot of 'chemistry' and a lot in common (at least imo) and though it doesn't look like it because I basically disappeared from tkd you are very important to me and it would asinine to throw that potential away by not asking you that.
Like you said you had to take care of yourself, I have to protect my own mental health and cant afford to because hurt by this again. This isn't about a relationship, thats secondary, it's about closure and coming to peace.
Sincerely,
Nimay
P.S. I posted this to my profile so no random strangers will read it.