I am right there with you. I'm 24, F. I am too afraid to show an interest in anyone because I don't want to deal with the embarrassment of rejection when they'll think "ew, she's gross". I've always been shy and I usually end up falling for my guy friends who never reciprocate. My girl friends all say they truly are shocked I've never had a real relationship because they think I'm pretty and kind and have a great personality, but I just don't think they understand how much self hatred I hold onto inside. It's really becoming (already is) a big problem in my life. I've looked into free group counseling for body issues and eating disorders and anxiety because I'm broke and have no insurance but for some reason most of them are during the day? And I work. Gotta look into it more... have you considered it?

 It's hard for me because I've pretty much never told anyone how I feel about myself. I know people know, though. When I'm hanging out with my sister and I meet her friends or new people they usually bring it up to her, "your sister has really low self esteem, doesn't she?" So I guess I'm not as good at hiding it as I thought. I've developed bad social anxiety and have panic attacks any time I'm in a "night scene" type of place like bars or clubs where I know guys are sizing every girl up. It's gotten to the point where I won't even make eye contact with guys in public because I'm afraid they may, idk, think I'm disgusting or something. I can be fine in public settings during the day when I don't feel threatened.. I think I am just terrified of guys. 

 I really was only a few pounds more than the other girls growing up but I was bullied incessantly by boys about my weight my entire childhood. Caused me to develop eating disorders and body dysmorphia and gain weight. Even in middle school and high school the asshole popular dudes thought it was funny to throw things at me or call me fat and say they'd "rather go gay" than go out with me. And I was just minding my own damn business! I wish I could say I was stronger but I've never been able to overcome those feelings of humiliation and self loathing and the trauma I developed from it. I'm usually ok day-to-day, it only makes me sad when I think of how much I'd love to get to know someone and have them like me back and get to experience love and sex and feeling wanted. 

 Woah, I'm so sorry I tagged along on your post with this gigantic rambling sesh, I wasn't planning on it!!! I wish I had advice to offer you -- I will say the body positivity community on IG helps me on my bad days. Start with "yourstruleymelly". I do have good days where I fill my head only with positivity, mediating and I try and be at peace with myself but the bad feelings are always there. It's a daily battle but if we have more good days than bad, I'd say that's winning. (Also I may just make this comment its own post because I feel bad clogging up yours haha).