I'm not dead, I'm just having one of those days... Ughh maybe I should just try to give an explanation of everything I do:

About constantly deleting my accounts: I can't help but wonder about bad intentions or whatnot. This shouldn't matter online but I'm on the emotional shitter, what can I do? My logic is that if I'm harsh enough to myself and delete everything, it's harder for me to relapse. If I don't do that, I'll cave in and continue acting in ways I shouldn't act. I end up regretting it but then I see otherwise, so on so on. I'm not sure if I should stick around this place. I still have a great time with the people I regularly talk to but past events (some of them validated my worries) make me obviously concerned. I know no one would miss me but it feels bad putting generally great people aside.

Everything else:

• People I'd like to relate with but there might be barriers of entry. They're friends of my brother. What if he uses that so I can obey my family? See third point.
• Feel fucked in terms of education because I slacked, not sure if I'll actually be able to join the course I want to and, more recently, wasn't motivated and feeling well enough to study properly.
• Family can't leave me the fuck alone because of the above, without even wondering just how I am/was feeling.
• I just don't know what to do about everything I should improve on: what to start, how best to handle it, etc.

I did need to change my username though, I already deleted my plug account and I like to keep a unified username throughout. And yes, my username is randomly generated. Bad day or not, it helps with some goals I'm thinking of setting: comments not being associated with a specific human unless I want to. I think I'd just rather make friendships IRL from now on and just keep talking online with everyone I talk to rn until it's naturally over one way or another.