What the fuck…you’re tall and have a nice face?? So fucking start eating and start lifting, then. You can pack on mass. You won’t be as big as Arnold Schwarzenegger but you can look good. It’s been done and keeps getting done every day. Listen to me. Pay a good personal trainer & nutritionist. Take care of the basics first. It’ll probably help more than therapy. Show up, shut the fuck up, and lift, consistently. Add cardio and sauna. Make continuous attempts not to listen to your depressed brain. You obviously have some standards — you don’t think you’re bad looking, you’re tall, and you don’t want to date fat girls. Jesus Christ plus you make $200K. You want a wife and children. That’s a great thing. You have lots of potential. You have options that other people don’t. That mental state you’re in now is temporary. You aren’t your thoughts. Don’t listen to your current whinny little bitch brain. Why would you if you think you’re a loser? Listen to a winner who USED to be a loser. They know better than you do.

Consider being honest with your therapist. They can’t help you if you give them BS or an incomplete history of you. That’s why you pay them. Start off by saying, “this feels humiliating to say out loud but…” and go right into what you need to say — about constant thoughts of killing yourself or about your history. No need to word things perfectly. Or try tele-therapy. Try as many online/zoom or phone therapists as needed. There’s tons of services now.

Also consider changing from a vegan diet until you get better. You may be deficient in all sorts of shit. Brains need nutrients, fats, salts. Your shitty diet got you where you are now. Wtf do you have to lose? You’re probably Vitamin D deficient too. Supplement and go tan your balls. Go adopt a dog at a high kill shelter. That mutt will be grateful. You can walk it and get out in the sun. Girls love dogs. Good excuse to get out. Kill the little bitch in you, not yourself. You’ll like what’s left.