Dec 12, 2014: weekly writing critique (post here if you'd like a critique!)

TITLE: Joy by Night GENRE: Gothic WORDS: 1019 TOF: Just tell me what you think Link:

(Background info) Task: as university on my gothic lit course from any books we've read we had to re-write a supernatural element where the main characters confused and retell the story from another characters point of view that is present

Bit of context: Basically its about a politician, Paul Lessingham, who went travelling at 18 > was kidnapped by a cult of Isis (an Egyptian goddess) and is continually raped and held in half consciousness for two months and eventually escapes! fast forward 20 years in London, Paul's a high profile politician, engaged and successful but his past catches up and from the shadows haunts the Beetle; a shapeshifting member/creature from the cult that is neither god nor man and can change its form at will! in society he/she is only known as "The Arab" and lives mysteriously in a rotting house. Book themes: race, gender orientation, rape, sexuality etc.

Scene i chose to rewrite: The creature renders itself invisible and haunts Paul's fiance Marjorie at her home before she goes to bed. Also here is a real incantation of Isis i used as inspiration to write this (link:

MY REWRITE: In my most beautiful of forms I hovered behind this frail infidel taunting her with the music secreted by these majestic and golden wings — My speech inaudible to her as I was concealed behind the shadowy spectral veil of the netherworld that the protective Mother provides — ‘O Mother Isis! O thou queen of love and mercy, thou crowned with the throne!’ What delight I found in her dread as I began to sink my psychic talons into her weak mind. Her very being shook as I did so and in response she dashed to the side of the bed, sinking upon her knees. O how she tried to pray to her lacking God, but Oh I filled her minds eye with fog and deeper I sank my claws taking control of her very tongue that could produce no blasphemous incantations against me — She was mine! The sound of buzzing, my buzzing, my humming buzzing drove into her ears like spears as the wretch clasped her ghastly white fingers over them struggling against the noise. She eventually forfeited when to my joy she burst into a fit of madness striking blindly at the air, blows intended for me, as I artfully flew remaining behind her the entire time. But as I viewed her psychosomatic spasms in excitement with an eye most evil, the fires of my mind were rekindled — as was my purpose here in this unholy land — and out of the intolerable flames burned that accursed name — Paul Lessingham. ‘That hateful insolent creature! He a mere man humbly taken into our temple precincts, he who insulted our Lady Isis the love and light of earth, he who dishonoured thee Scarabaeus sacer and our powers of merisis that Isis O Lady Isis hath gifted to us, he who dared to steal away from us!’ all hissed in tones of the most venomous kind. Yet here stands the figure of his incestuous devotion to mankind. His beloved Marjorie Lindon — Mortal inferior fiend — This wretch, this bestial animal faced child of Set! He belittles our magnificence for this! Scorning us with fury yet he crowns this rogue on a higher throne than the Mother? What hidden beauty beholds she? I need — no! I must see! So in tones laced with mystic influence I whispered into her mind’ ‘Undress!’ and watched my desire manifest as she helplessly tore the clothes from her frame. I drifted back and gazed upon her pale naked form — and what a frosty figure she was! How well her foreign gown concealed her physique for tenderly her youthful breasts did hang with delicacy upon her bosom. Her full child bearing hips were crafted with natural finery and sat comfortably against her swallowed waist. All her rosy female organs were well hewed on her unblemished glacial skin — ‘accursed woman! This icy heathen is nothing! — Ay heathen! — A figure for these cold, dying, godless lands! — Destined to melt! For she has not the blessing of fertile life gifted by thy Mother Isis! Nor the colour of the rich sands of the deserts and lasting Pyramids as we do! Her tones tell you nothing of exotic coffees, climates or beasts dwelling in elusive lands as ours do — She could only long for the hidden features of a sphinx, divine full lips, gifted only to us creatures of Egypt! Yet hers are thin for little blood fill them, instead they rise to the surface of her hoary skin — ‘O for we are creatures coloured by the fires of Ra! O we are beings who share the same warm hues as thou Lady of the amber skin — Lady of love and of victory, Oh Mother Isis, great art thou in thy splendour!’ I hissed through the air to myself. Then before I could touch her snowy skin, hurriedly the naked rat shut off the unfamiliar magical illuminating contraption that lit the room. Her naked white soul shone through the darkness as she dashed across the room and scurried headlong into the deep recesses of her sheets. During some time in my indulgence of scornful observation I had loosened my vengeful grip on her, and here she thought she could hide — but nay! ‘From scorching lands I come with vengeance hot on my breast to punish the thief — thief of presence and love! Hear me, our Lady Isis, hear and save — I will avenge thy honour and punish not only him but also those who ally with him!’ And with this burning declaration in my heart I flung open the shadowy veil revealing my grand form that when unseen by her covered eyes. In the intensified darkness I descended audibly rattling my grand tools of flight over my cowering prey. I landed at the foot of the bed feeling her body shake under my heavy touch through the sheets. Upon her legs I performed my bodily ritual wobbling over my surface as my splendid protruding antlers surveyed the surface on which I rested. I crept slowly advancing towards her head assuring that with every step my leaden legs pressed hard against her quivering body. She twitched! — Ay she did — and oh how it increased as I scuttled towards her head trapping her body with my weight in full effect. Oh Such fear! When I reached the head of the bed, I began burrowing my way inside her concocted coverlet cocoon, tearing away at the sheets to reveal her silky wheat-gold hair. I breathed a hot and mystic breath so heavy upon her head preparing her for my invasion and soon after rested a claw upon her skull, sucking her mind from consciousness to oblivion! — All the while invading its ovaries and stealing her psychic secrets! When I had consumed all there was to consume there I scurried deep inside the sheets against her palpitating and unconscious skin, for she was to know the mystery of pleasure and of pain of the order of The Beetle!

/r/writing Thread