Time left: Time left:9d 05h (06 Sep, 2015 15:32:15 BST)
Apparently I owned this utterly crap caravan for three weeks before actually setting eyes on it. My husband drunkenly bought it on Ebay, and neglected to mention that one day he’d taken the day off work and driven halfway across the country to pick it up, deposit it around the back of our office, and failed to declare it as technically a marital ‘asset’ until recently.
Luckily, I’m the trusting type, and despite appearances I don’t think he bought it solely for the purpose of having a sordid extra-marital affair or taking up dogging, however as you might be able to see from the pictures, it would be PERFECT for both. Also pretty useful if you’re thinking of getting into murdering. I considered contacting the producers of The Fall to see if they wanted it for set dressing the next series - lets face it I’d sell my entire family for a chance to look upon Jamie Dornan with my real live eyes - but, well, life is short and ebay has been a good friend to me. [...]
*EDIT - Free idiot husband for winning bidder
** FURTHER EDIT - It has been brought to my attention that the "caravan" would also be suitable for use as a rolling meth lab. Apologies for the omission. Apologies to rolling meth lab workers offended by this omission.
Questions:
Q. Does this come with a free Tetanus injection? 28-Aug-15 A: Woefully, not.
Q: I see that this item is fairly local to me. Is it possible that you could move it further away, please? Many thanks in advance... 28-Aug-15 A: HA!
Q: Have we reached the reserve yet? 28-Aug-15 A: I have revised my expectations. We now have some way to go.
Q: ..Just curious, what's that white powder stuff outside the door?.. 27-Aug-15 A: The powdered remains of my enemies
Q: Looking for a seedy cheap looking porn set. Can you confirm how many middle-aged moustached German men can be 'accommodated' comfortably and can you confirm that the brown interior is 1970's standard porn beige 27-Aug-15 A: I am afraid this caravan is MUCH TOO RICKETY to accomodate moustached German men. Danish, maybe. German - no.
Q: I notice it says, "May not post to Australia." Is there a reason for this? 27-Aug-15 A: As everybody knows, Australia is a nation people almost ENTIRELY by criminals.
Q: Is this for real? 27-Aug-15 A: Yes Emma. This caravan actually exists, and I would like to sell it. I'm a bit unsure as to whether I will ever realise the current £70k high bid, but nevertheless - the caravan MUST GO.
Q: Is your husband also responsible for the half arsed (I'm being generous) re-roofing project behind picture No. 1 ? 27-Aug-15 A: How rude. That is our house.
Q: Being a suspicious type, I notice from your description that this - er - caravan has a roof and four walls I wonder if you would have a suitable floor available as I wouldn't want 'things' falling onto the road 27-Aug-15 A: Good point. Very good point.
Q: I have 6 juvenile bantam cockerels. Would you consider a swap? 27-Aug-15 A: :-) No. They sound like cocks.
Q: Do you have a buy it now price? 27-Aug-15 A: At current reckoning I'm considering letting it go for a a buy it now price of £100,000,000, plus a small tropical private island, personal account at Harrods and having my face burnished with solid gold. Let me know if you're still interested.
Q: Dear Linzhead, I recently met an older woman through a friend of a friend. She is used to the finer things in life, designer clothes and first class travel. She spends most of her time getting letched on by stockbrokers and is currently on a one woman mission to rid the world of gin. I would like to show her how much pleasures could gain from the simple life. Would this two wheeled abomination be a suitable way of showing her how us mere scumbag mortals spend our leisure time? Should I perhaps aim slightly more up market for fear of scaring her off and book us a self catering long weekend in the third circle of hell? 27-Aug-15 A: Save yourself the trouble and head for Kettering. (you're welcome.)
Q: Hi, I have a suitably shite tow car I want to get rid of (broken and rusty) can we have your blokes details to dupe him into purchace please, its such a perfect combo. 27-Aug-15 A: I suspect he's probably already bidding on it.
Q: Hi there, Are backward rolls acceptable please? 27-Aug-15 A: Nope. Absolutely not. (pervert)
Q: Would it burn well ? 27-Aug-15 A: If the winning bidder gets a bit shy about their £65,900 commitment, then we shall see.....!
Q: I cannot believe you had the audacity to start the bidding at 99p - have you no shame? 27-Aug-15 A: Erm. Nope. I actually started the bidding at £150, but then revised the listing as was told it was wildly ambitious. Currently, the highest bid is £65,800 though, so who's laughing now mother hubbards???!
Q: Is the upholstery free of stains? regards Bob Hatter 27-Aug-15 A: I dont dare look too closely. Assume not.
Q: Does this come with an awning for dismembering bodies? 27-Aug-15 A: Yup. Oh no, wait. No.
Q: I've got a crap van to sell, can you put me in touch with your husband please? 27-Aug-15 A: Sorry, we already have one of those too. It is blue. Also bought on Ebay.
Q: What`s the hubby look like? 27-Aug-15 A: Like the drunken owner of this caravan
Q: Hi. Do you have an equally shite car for sale to tow it? You know, one with stains of unknown / indescribable origin, old copies of the Sun jammed on the dashboard, underpants in the boot and go faster stripes? 27-Aug-15
A: Funny you should mention that - not only does my idiot husband secretly buy terrible caravans, he also has a penchant for buying more second hand cars than any family ever needs. I'm trying to persuade him to part with the BRIGHT BASTARD RED 80'S PORCHE he has as a 'spare' at the moment. The windscreen is so grubby when you sit in it it's like looking out into the actual past. Feel free to make an offer on that.
Q: Any chance you can try before you buy? I know a sordid dog that needs a good dose of murder. Cheers! 27-Aug-15 A: I think someone already might have beaten you to that particular pastime in this vehicle by the looks of things
Q: Would this be suitable for an Exorcism e.g. wipe-clean surfaces? 27-Aug-15 A: Yup. Deffo.
Q: Jeremy Clarkson and his cohorts have recently signed a megbucks motoring show deal with Amazon. You should tweet him a link to the advert, he's rolling in cash now and, he'd probably enjoy dropping a Morris Minor onto your caravan. 27-Aug-15 A: BRilliant idea!
Q: Hi is the caravan suitable for cooking meth cheers 27-Aug-15 A: I would say so, but lots of the inside does look a bit flammable, so my advice would be to cook carefully.
Q: I've just Google'd Castle Ashby and it looks lovely. Would this caravan be available for rent for the last two weeks of September? 27-Aug-15 A: Hold on while I check with Lord Compton...
Q: Hi, would you mind if I added your caravan to my Pintrest board entitled "Shithouse Crap Caravans (and beards)?" 27-Aug-15 A: HAH!! PLease please do.
Q: If I buy it can I leave it parked at your place? I don't want the people here in the Welsh Valleys to think I'm showing off. 27-Aug-15 A: :-)
Q: Hi ok so my line of work involves wearing a ski mask and visiting camps in the woods. would you describe this as a stabby stabby kind of caravan or more of a slasher slasher kind of abode. The answer is really important so answer carefully considering i like to use more of the machete kind of killy wepon. Your Mr Voorhees The Lake America 27-Aug-15 A: Hmmmm. Both probably. I should point out that I in NO WAY endorse murdering as a hobby.
Q: Do you think I could convert this into a caravan? 27-Aug-15 A: HAH! (almost definitely not)
Q: that's brilliant, you should write column for Viz! 27-Aug-15 A: Thanks! I do write a wordpress blog (called And Other Idiots) on more of our familial idiocy and other mishaps / failed projects / drunken purchases if you're interested. It's mostly swearing. Not sure what Ebay's rules on this sort of thing are, but pretty sure this advert might fall foul of them at some point so feel free to recommend me to Viz if you know a way in...
Q: Can i come and kick the tyres and waste your time as I have no interest in buying it? well i am being honest, not like the rest of the potential buyers ;) 27-Aug-15 A: You are amazing. Marry me immediately. I should point out though that if you kicked the tyres, there's a strong chance the entire caravan might crumble into dust.
Q: Bloody hilarious...you should write a one of these every week!! 27-Aug-15 A: I would need a thousand hours to get through all the stupid things my husband has ever bought.... I do write a blog which touches on more of our familial idiocy (www.andotheridiots.wordpress.com) and other mishaps / failed projects / drunken purchases if you're interested. It's mostly swearing. Not sure what Ebay's rules on this sort of thing are, but pretty sure this advert might fall foul of them at some point so might be worth a look....
Q: Absolutely the best ebay descript ever... you should jack your job & become a comedy writer!!! All credit to you girl! ;) :D 27-Aug-15 A: Thanks!
Q: p.s its as about as crap as my trailer haha we coulda started a fleet 27-Aug-15 A: No. More. Shoddy. Vehicles...
Q: holla to the best auction on ebay everer! 27-Aug-15 A: Please buy my shite caravan!
Q: make a good fishing cabin. pplenty of lakes and fishermen around you 27-Aug-15 A: If it doesn't sell, it may well be pushed to the bottom of one of said nearby lakes...
Q: Fantastic description, you made my day,lve never laughed so much.you have a great sence of humour. Many thanks john. 27-Aug-15 A: Thanks John. Can I interest you in a caravan?
Q: Hi Loved reading this....made my day!! Don't be too harsh on him......us men always have a mad moment!! 27-Aug-15 A: Thank you. Lesson: Don't drink and Ebay.